Before May 19, I thought a lot about running out of diapers.
I had them stashed in the van, (just in case), in a drawer upstairs (just in case), in Gabe's dresser(just in case) . . . plus the normal diaper places. Daniel makes fun of me. . . he insinuates that I'm kinda like a disorganized squirrel.
So now I get to find my emergency stashes, gather them together. . . and put them away.
It's really, really hard.
Did I actually think I was spending my life changing diapers? {favorite phrase of sleep-deprived mommies}
Oh, I would give anything to change that little man again!
Anything.
Did I actually write the words "ruined-by-purple-crayon-day?"
Oh, please, I would love to have one of those. Purple crayon days are fun!
Did I complain about being so exhausted? About cutting 30 combined toes and fingernails?
I only have twenty to cut now.
Lock the keys in the car? Sounds pretty fixable.
Bad day at work? It'll be better tomorrow.
Not enough money, not enough time. . . oh, so temporal, so pointless when staring at the reality of death.
I am only human. I know that. The sharp perspective that grief brings will dull with time and I will once again struggle with my selfish nature and the normal frustrations of being a mom.
But right now. . .
. . .it's pretty sad to put these away.
That must be extremely hard. It puts things into perspective. My hubby had to work a four month old the other day. He came home really quiet. I didn't think anything of it until he started talking. I was a ashamed that I didn't pick up on what he had just gone through. I shared with him about your husband's experience of having to work his own four-month old. He was shocked and felt very bad for him. I'm sure my hubby is praying for him.
ReplyDeleteIt makes us hold those we do have closer. God bless you and heal you fully, Sweet Sister.
Hayley, I just wanted to add that I just posted a special tradition that our family has. If you go to my blog it is two posts down. I think you might be able to relate to how the parents feel.
ReplyDeleteSo sad. Ive had a few frustrating mommy days. Thank you for putting things into perspective.
ReplyDeleteDear, dear sister,
ReplyDeleteI don't even know you and yet I want to hold you. My husband and I read your entries of the past month and we both wept. My love and prayers go out to you. I know there is nothing I can say that means anything, even my prayers for you and your family are groans that only the Holy Spirit can to take to the Lord in some meaningful communication. But He knows your ache for your baby. I do pray that this will all work to the glory of God and for the good of the saints, and the prayer that never fails: "Thy will be done."
I'm with Julie. Thank you for putting my week of 'single mom-ness' and Croup into perspective. My heart continues to hurt for you. And makes me want to continue with 3 little guys in diapers as long as possible.
ReplyDelete