Thursday, May 27, 2010

I miss you, Gabe.

Burning desire to not forget one moment of his little life.

The terrifying shock of seeing his little body peacefully sleeping. . . so, so still.

Screaming Daniel's name.

"Oh, God, no no no no noooooo."

Calling 911 and knowing that there was nothing they could do.

"My baby, my baby, he's dead."

And I gave our address and of course the dispatcher wanted to give me directions for CPR . . . until I said, "it's Daniel and Hayley. Daniel's already working on him. But it's too late, it's too late." I so wanted her to give me hope, but she was quiet. She knew that we knew.


Unbelievable to see the guys respond to us.

To our son.

Daniel met them in the street with our son in his arms.

He ran the call.

He hoped against hope.

He worked on his baby on that long, long, long 15 block drive to the ER.

And I stood in the middle of the street in pjs with Darren and JuneAnne holding me up.

Went into the house and looked for Cambria's flip flops.

Grabbed a jacket.

Actually sat on my front porch swing and put on the kids shoes.

Called Deeann - I need you I need you I need you I need you I need you- call me back.

Was led to the engine.

Couldn't stop shaking.

I know he's in Heaven.

Ran into the ER.

Stopped cold by the staff, standing in a line outside of his room, weeping.

Oh, no, God, they wouldn't be crying if it weren't true. . .

And then around the corner, there he was, and everyone, including my man, working, frantic, determined, futility. Weeping doctors. Nurses attatching wires with tears streaming down their faces.

Behind me, JuneAnne, still holding me up. There's nothing you could have done, Hayley, no, don't say that, it's not your fault, you did everything right, it's not your fault, it's not your fault.

Rhea, a close friend, one of the ER docs, no, no, no, you couldn't have changed anything.

We knew. They knew. I knew. He wasn't there. It was only his little body that we had loved.

We held him.

We kissed him.

We took pictures.

The kids loved on him.

Pastor and Deeann had their arms around us, holding us up.

We said goodbye.

We gave him to Melissa, the special nurse who I love for holding him instead of leaving him alone.

We were surrounded in the hallway by people who love us so, so much. Chase and Deeann and Pastor and Tonya and Jake and Loren. . . how did they get there so fast?

How do you say goodbye?

How do you walk away?

How do you leave your baby?

Oh, Gabe, we loved you so much.

I'm so glad God blessed us with your life.

The Lord gives; the Lord takes away. And we will still bless His name.


  1. Praying for your family as you walk this difficult road.

  2. Oh Hayley, Daniel...I'm feeling your pain, or imagining it, as I hold my little guy just a little younger than Gabe...tears pouring down my face. I'm so so sorry for what you are going through. I am praying for you throughout my days & am praying God blesses your heart with extra special memories to hold tight. Happy birthday Hayley...I truly hope you have a great day with your family!

  3. Hayley, keep putting words to your emotions. Let it pour out. You keep writing and I'll keep reading and praying for you. Just live through the next five minutes....and then the next five minutes...and then the next five. Don't try to take on an entire day right now.
    I love you and your family dearly. I'm still singing...

  4. Your strength is amazing. I have tears in my eyes after reading this, but I appreciate you sharing. I wish I had the words to take away your pain.

  5. I love what Carolyn said in her comment above.
    Yes, putting words to your pain is so good right now Hayley! The fact that you were just able to write that is huge. It's so wonderful that you are taking these steps (however painful they may be!!) in grieving.
    Oh Hayley - wow. That song playing. And it's your birthday. And your words.
    I'm praying so hard. And I'm crying - but I'm smiling behind my tears because I know you are going to be okay. I know that God is carrying you right now. And there is just nothing like being held in the hand of God. Nothing like it.

  6. My husband is a firefighter so I started reading your blog...I have two little ones and cannot even begin to imagine that feelings you must be heart hurts so bad for you and your family. Your strength in God is so amazing and inspiring. May He continue to give you and your family strength and peace. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. I am so so sorry for your loss, Hayley. I am sorry you have to recall a day like this in your mind. My heart hurts and the tears are rolling. I continue to pray for you all.

  8. Oh Hayley this makes me weep for you...the emotional anguish and terror you experience at times like this can hardly be put into words!And yet you did a good job expressing your heart. These are things that are forever etched in your mind...even almost 8 yrs later hearing a siren immediantly take my mind to that day in July!
    I so love what Carolyn said...take a min at a time...grief is a journey! Praying for you

  9. Hayley, you are so strong *hugs*

  10. Praying that God upholds you in his arms. That He'll comfort and strengthen you... I'll also pray that you wont forget any memories of your precious baby.

  11. I am so sorry! Losing a child is the most painful thing! I gave birth early a few years ago and my little boy only lived just shy of two days. I can sympathize (in similar ways) with you. Be strong. The song you have playing by Plumb is such a great song too. God's blessings, hon.

  12. Hayley and Daniel,
    We love you. I've been constantly thinking and praying for your family and I will continue with many others.

  13. I have never met you, yet I'm crying with you. I think of your family often during the day. Your names are on my lips as I pray. I find encouragement in your faith. I am amazed by your strength. I have faith that God will heal your broken heart and that one day you'll be able to hold your sweet little boy again!

    John 16:20b "You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn into joy."

  14. I got here from Wendi. I'm joining so many others here by praying for your beautiful family. Your words show strength and courage ... may you continue to let your fingers lead the way as you let God calm your spirit and ease your pain.

    Sending prayers on your behalf from Oregon ~

  15. Hayley, I can't imagine your pain.....but I do know that God is a BIG God with BIG ARMS and he has carried me for the last 2 years going through a very unthinkable with my baby. I am here for you Hayley if you ever need to take a walk out in the middle of nowhere....there are lots of woods out here. We could go for a walk. Keep have a way with words....and your faith shines through! I love ya and will continue to pray!

  16. Dearest Hayley...we are so sorry for what you have gone through and continue to go through. You are in our thoughts and prayers...we love you...the Turners

  17. Rebecca FashingbauerJune 1, 2010 at 2:51 PM

    Oh Hayley,
    My heart just hurts for you. I can only sit here and cry as I read this. Jesus is with you all, and underneath are the Everlasting Arms. I love you. Rebecca

  18. This is my husband's worst nightmare coming true. I don't know how your husband did it. Only God could give him such strength to work his own baby. I can hardly see through my tears.

  19. Hayley,
    I am so amazed at how strong you are! I just read your blog for the first time today. I read the day you went back to when Gabe pasted away & I broke down & cried. I have no idea what I would do if I lost a baby…I ask myself could I be as Strong & understanding as you? I know God doesn’t give us more then we can handle, but the pain you must be going through, I really don’t think words can fathom! Please know you inspire me more & more each day with your honesty & love for God! You definitely make it know that our God is an Awesome God no matter what! I pray God blesses you so much for that!

  20. I've never read your blog before (got here from Wendi), but I sit here with tears streaming down my face just sobbing as I read your posts about Gabe. I'm a mom, too, and I can't even imagine how heartbreaking it would be for me to lose my son.

    My prayers are with you and your family.

    How wonderful to know that we have a loving God even in difficult times like this. Gabe was able to skip past much of the pain we all go through in our lives and go straight to walking with Jesus. :)

  21. Hayley,
    I lost my 3 month old daughter Ellie to SIDS on May 21st, 2010 and the words you write are exactly how I feel only you are so much stronger than I. The pain is unbearable as you well know. I miss her so much . . .
    Praying for you,
    Michelle in Charles City, Iowa

  22. I am so sorry for your loss; I have no words to take your pain away but your family is in my prayers!

  23. I cried reading this. More times than I care to say, I have held precious little ones that were no longer "here"....
    Blessings to you. Your words touch my heart.

  24. Hi there. I found your blog the other day when I was looking for blogs by firefighter wives. I read this entry today, and my heart ACHES for you as I sit here with wet cheeks. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your story. I am encouraged by your faith. May Jesus continue to hold your family and you close.

  25. My fire fighter and I lost a baby too. I know the pain you feel and the healing road you have ahead of you. I am so thankful that you have God to hold on to. If ever you need someone who's been there, please feel free to contact me. The circumstances may be different, but the pain is very much the same!

  26. I just found your website through the link on simplehomeschool. I read the word grief in your author description and wanted to know more. So I read your son's story, your story, and feel so much like I could have written those same words, it's unreal. I have written very similar words. My baby was 2 months old. And I'm sitting here with tears : I know exactly the shock, the terror, the pain, the feeling lost, but also the confort of knowing our babies are with Jesus, and the strange feeling of deep sorrow mingled with equally deep joy; that truly surpasses understanding. Thank you for writting them.