Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Not Very Brave.

So many scary things we have to experience.

So many firsts.

We're gradually checking them off of our lists. . . some are way easier than we thought; other things are just gut-wrenching.

I typed "SIDS" into my search engine bar for the first time.

Daniel went back to work.

I went to the grocery store.

Daniel responded to his first peds call.

First trip to the park without my little man to keep me company while the kids played.

Daniel's first time back at the ER.

First time I was able to smile about something Gabe did without breaking down into tears.

First time we've been able to sleep through the night without waking up to check on the kids.

First time we've laughed together.

First time opening my little ring box and touching that little bit of hair.

First questions from the kids. . . Did it hurt for Gabe to die? Why did God want him in Heaven?

And then some things are second times.

Like. . .

a second visit to his little grave today.

Cambria, sitting in the grass, waving up at the sky: "Hi, Gabe! We love you! Mommy and Daddy are crying cuz they love you."

Jacob, frustrated that the rains had washed the ink off of the note he'd left for Gabe. . . painstakingly writing another: Gabe. . . the pictures erased. I love you. Jacob 5

Tears because we miss him so much.

Absolute certainty in eternity and knowing that he is walking with Jesus.

Ache because we can't hold him anymore or see his little face light up.

Joy because we knew him, held him, loved him.

So many emotions! So much joy. . . so much pain.

It is good to know a God who is greater than our emotions and greater than the small picture we have of life. There is a bigger plan than the one we see right now. We're hanging on to that.


  1. oh but hayley; you're SO brave, it's obvious God is just carrying you through. Your dependance is obvious. And your real, raw, huge love for Gabe is so intense. -It makes me hurt. You are brave. hugs

  2. You are SO much braver than you think *hugs*

  3. Your blog makes me cry. Praying that God will continue to give you the courage to face all the agonizing firsts...from now until the day He finally makes everything right and restores your precious Gabe to you.

  4. These first hurt and pain so much that you feel you could burst our in tears and scream loud so that the pain eases. But even that is momentary, for it all comes gushing back. Having lost my mother earlier and then my grandpa recently, I am going through it all. But yes, there's someone up there who listens, cares and pushes us on. In Him we can find peace and solace. Take care dear and you all are always in my prayers

  5. You are seriously so much braver than you give yourself credit for. You are facing things the majority of people can't even fathom dealing with... and doing so with such a beautiful, hopeful, loving and positive heart.

    You WILL have ups and downs. No doubt about that. Some days you will feel better or worse than others, but you are facing them all with God in your life. He WILL carry you through this pain not only for all the firsts and seconds, but EVERY- SINGLE- TIME.

    Hang in there friend!!

  6. You're in the *middle* of it. struggling through the shadows and questions and all of the yuck of it. Of ocurse you can't see what we see right now. A phenominally courageous woman. *Phenominal*. Beauty and reliance on God and authenticity that has "brave" all over it.

  7. Hayley~ No words. Just {{{{{hugs}}}}. Love & Prayers!!!,

  8. Wish I could give you another hug. I'm glad God is brave for us, right? I can't help but cry and rejoice all at the same muddled time with you every time I'm here. Love you guys.

  9. heart ached with I cried tears for you thinking about tackling your "firsts" Oh so hard....keep on being brave and letting us in on your story...Gabe's story for HIS Glory! I love ya!

  10. You ARE brave. You are living every parent's worst nightmare and you are shining. God is using you in a poweful way. God never wastes pain. He is using it for His glory. In the meantime we weep with you and watch you from a distance. We also pray, my friend.