Not Very Brave.

So many scary things we have to experience.

So many firsts.

We're gradually checking them off of our lists. . . some are way easier than we thought; other things are just gut-wrenching.

I typed "SIDS" into my search engine bar for the first time.

Daniel went back to work.

I went to the grocery store.

Daniel responded to his first peds call.

First trip to the park without my little man to keep me company while the kids played.

Daniel's first time back at the ER.

First time I was able to smile about something Gabe did without breaking down into tears.

First time we've been able to sleep through the night without waking up to check on the kids.

First time we've laughed together.

First time opening my little ring box and touching that little bit of hair.

First questions from the kids. . . Did it hurt for Gabe to die? Why did God want him in Heaven?


And then some things are second times.

Like. . .

a second visit to his little grave today.

Cambria, sitting in the grass, waving up at the sky: "Hi, Gabe! We love you! Mommy and Daddy are crying cuz they love you."

Jacob, frustrated that the rains had washed the ink off of the note he'd left for Gabe. . . painstakingly writing another: Gabe. . . the pictures erased. I love you. Jacob 5

Tears because we miss him so much.

Absolute certainty in eternity and knowing that he is walking with Jesus.

Ache because we can't hold him anymore or see his little face light up.

Joy because we knew him, held him, loved him.

So many emotions! So much joy. . . so much pain.

It is good to know a God who is greater than our emotions and greater than the small picture we have of life. There is a bigger plan than the one we see right now. We're hanging on to that.