Thursday, April 7, 2011

tiny little heartbeat (little #4)

The stick turned blue.

I'm pregnant!

God is giving us another little person to love!

I'm so scared; are we out of our minds?

This week I heard a tiny little heart beating inside of me. . . tears are pooling now, just remembering Tuesday morning; this is our fourth little beating heart, created out of our love and the mighty hand of God. 

The awe doesn't wear off.

I hope the fear will.

I stood in our bathroom, peering down at a tiny plastic stick,  hoping, hoping, hoping. . . and then those two blue lines.

I jumped up and down.

I screamed at myself in the mirror we're gonna have another baby!

I cried out to the heavens in the direction of the ceiling Oh God, let him live for seventy five years! I'm begging You, I'm pleading with You!

I sat on the floor and wept.

We are so thankful.

We are so terrified.

{What monitor to use; or should we even go that route?}

{Googling innovative, uniquely designed cribs}

{How will I ever lay the poor child down? He'll have to sleep sometime}

{Fielding the kids' earnest questions. . .I hope it doesn't die, right Mommy?}

I tell myself each morning, Hayley, statistically this is not going to happen again.  And then I hear the haunting echo of statistically it shouldn't have happened to Gabe.

My faith in God as a Giver is being stretched and tried.  I know the answers.  Trust Him.  Trust His heart.  I want to. 

My reality is still arms that ache to hold a child torn from our family.

God, You won't take again, will You?

The answers are not mine.

What is mine is today.

I thank God for today, for life each night as I rest my hand on the chest of my sleeping son and feel his beating heart, as I smooth tousled hair from my daughter's face and rejoice in her warmth and even breathing.

Today is all we are given, tomorrow is not promised.

Today I thrill for the life inside of me.

Today I cry that our fourth child will never know his chunky-monkey older brother.

Today I thank God for a man who loves me.

Today I ache for the pain that life brings.

Today I google baby names, holding onto hope.

Today I look at photos of other children's headstones, searching for the perfect way to honor our precious little man.

Today I thank God that my kids were more cheerful than they were yesterday.

Today I hold Cambria as she weeps for a worm died in the street because a car ran over it.

Today I sit on the couch and play UNO (and lose) with my Jacob Daniel.

Today I share lunch with a dear friend.

Today I pack a NON pb&j sandwich for my man.  Today I make him take a few minutes out of his day and sit. And breathe. Today I love him.

Today Tonight the bedtime battle looms.  JD it is your turn for the shower { x 4 }

Tomorrow is not promised.

Jesus is promised.

Hope is promised.

Heaven is promised.

Grace for each day.

It isn't tomorrow.  I don't know what the future holds. 

It is today, and today. . . we rejoice in the life that God is giving.


  1. Oh my goodness, congratulations!! I'm so happy for you!

  2. Beautifully descriptive thoughts...God is at work continually and using you....great opportunity and blessing. Surely God ia pleased as we reflect on His provisions.

  3. Congratulations to you all... I can imagine the fear mixed with excitement. I hope and pray it all goes well for you...

  4. wow! I am so happy for you!! Congratulations!!! (and I have to say, I am sitting here with a tear in my eye too!)

  5. I am so happy for you. Congratulations! You are blessed with another child. I can't imagine the anguish and excitement that you are feeling. I hope and pray for the best!


  6. Tom - Firefighter buddyApril 7, 2011 at 11:00 PM

    You have such a talent with words. I LOVE reading your blog...I understand your excitement, we are so happy and excited for you and Dan. I understand your fear, but I feel the urge to say, fear not. This time will be different. May God Bless you and your family my friends. Another beautiful journey is about to unfold......cherish every minute of it!!!

  7. oh my, congratulations!! What a blessing! Praying for strength and a healthy pregnancy and baby! Keep us updated!

  8. I've been reading your blog for a bit but never commented until today. I am filled with joy and happiness with this news!! How exciting!! Trust in God, that's all we can do. He knows best, regardless. He is faithful, he is trustworthy, he is good, he is awesome, just trust in him. Adding you to my prayer list.


  9. wow congrats!! u guys must be so happy and yet a lil fearful... praying that God will calm your fears and bless you and your family....

  10. Those two blue lines are AMAZING every time!

  11. Congratulations; I'm jumping up and down in JOY for you!! And praying that the fears will be replaced with peace. Lots of prayers, love and hope for tomorrow.

  12. Congratulations. I am so happy for you all. God bless you with more happiness in times to come.

  13. Oh Hayley! Congratulations!!! What a wonderful blessing God has given to you and your family. You have a beautiful way with words. Your description is so real, I feel the mix of emotions with you. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

  14. Another reader here who has never commented... I just have to say congratulations! I teared up when I opened this post this morning. Praying for you and your family, that you have a happy, healthy pregnancy.

  15. My heart fills with so much joy for you...praise the Lord for the tiny heart beating inside of you. I understand a bit of the fear that you've described...and will be praying for you continually.

  16. You don't know how often you come to mind and how many times I've prayed for this moment and all the accompanying emotions I could only imagine surrounding it for you... Tears of joy and excitement for you...but continuing to pray...

  17. I have been reading your blog for a long time now, but I've never commented.
    I cried reading your post today, and I am so happy to hear that you've been blessed with another little baby to love! Praise the Lord!

  18. So, so happy for you, and so thankful!

    Your blog brings tears to my eyes each time I happen across it, and I leave with an overwhelming thankfulness for my baby girl, and the determination to enjoy every moment with her.

  19. Congrats!!! Your child will be so loved.

  20. Oh Hayley! I am so happy for you. Congratulations! What a a sweet gift from God. I will be lifting you up in prayer. I cannot imagine the range of emotions you are experiencing.

    I am just so very excited for you!!! God is good!