i am afraid of happiness

I am afraid to be happy.

When did I discover this?

Not all at once, that is for sure.

Little glimpses of happiness and then a cold wave of fear reveals this new phase of grief: a fear of joy, of normalcy, of  that life is beautiful feeling.

I wonder if this is normal.

I wonder if it's because we were so happy that particular morning that our little man met Jesus;

I remember. . . 

joy

crazy life

busyness

packing for a wedding

sunlight

coffee brewing

shampoo

windows open wide

dancing in our kitchen to Lead Me  

crying on Daniel's shoulder;

Why are you crying?

"Just because God is so good to us. . ."

Fifteen minutes later that happy world shattered into a million fragmented pieces.


I never thought normal life would return.

I wondered if we'd even live.

I wondered if our family would shatter, too.

I didn't think I'd ever be able to laugh again.

I didn't think life would ever feel happy.


Now I see glimpses of that normalcy and I want it and yet it is so scary to me. 

It's not that I want to be sad.

It's not that I want to stay paralyzed by grief.

It's certainly not that I like the black hole!

I am afraid of being happy because I don't want to shatter again.


I think this on days like today, when the kids play with friends and school goes great and I get a sitter so I can steal a few moments with Daniel at work and then have a girls night out and laugh until we cry. . .

coming home tonight,

putting kids to bed,

planning meals for tomorrow,

stacking library books,

straightening the kitchen. . .

it's so normal. 

I loooooove normal.

I feel organized.

I start to turn on David Crowder's Oh, Happiness

and then. . .

I stop.

The last time I felt normal and busy and happy bad stuff happened.



And here is where I meet God, wrestling out these realities.

He is good.

He is kind.

He saw my son die.



He is faithful.

He is my Father.

He saw our world shatter.



He is all seeing.

He is all knowing.

He is always there.


There isn't a simple sweet ending to this today. . .

I am holding these truths in my heart and still holding His gifts to me in my hands. . . my children, my husband. . .

I don't have answers.

I am just learning, just finishing up kindergarten (or preschool?) in the school of loss and  grief and bad stuff.

It sounds so awfully inane and easy and simple. . .

let go

trust God

allow the joy when it comes peeking in. . .

just be happy.


But it's a huge huge HUGE step of faith for me.