Monday, July 19, 2010

The Mercy of . . . Not Knowing

It's not every day that you receive your son's death certificate.

There weren't any surprises. . . {if you can shield your heart from being surprised still by the shortness of time between January 12 and May 19}

Initially we hoped there would be something obvious; something we could wrap our minds around. Maybe his heart had defects; some rare disease that would have caused him pain; a debilitating disorder that God spared him from. Not very rational. . . . but we haven't been too rational this summer.

One by one all of the test results came back -

his heart was perfect.

his brain was fine.

nothing wrong.




I knew there was nothing wrong.

He was happy


"two months ahead of schedule!" {pediatrician at last visit}


totally breast-fed

two teeth

not even vaccinated yet (there goes that theory)

okay, so I didn't use cloth diapers, but. . . . he had a pretty natural, healthy babyhood.

So why?

The final word. . .

Sudden Unexplained Infant Death

What the physicians say when they don't know what to say.

When there isn't any reason.

When nothing is wrong except that everything is wrong.

When your son is just gone.

When you never got a chance to plead for his life.

But there is a cruel sort of mercy in the absence of any answers;

there isn't one thing that we could have done differently glaring at us from that document.

there aren't replays of a car accident and if only we wouldn't have been on that highway at that time.

there wasn't any time to cling. {we loved him until the last minute}

No answers to the why.

Just the knowledge that God gave him to us for 128 days. . . and then took him Home to Heaven.


  1. Oh.Hayley, I totally misunderstood that it was YOUR child that passed away. I am so sorry. I can not even begin to imagine the pain! "He is still will get trecherous and dark. It will feel like a never-ending night. But the morning will come. The sun will rise again. It will be a new day. You will possess a new hope. And you will see and receive new mercies. Jesus Christ is not a security from storms. He is perfect security in storms. YES! He is still GOD!" Philippians 4:7
    Thank you for stopping by my blog!

  2. I dont have any words...for whatever I say will sound like consolation and there is simply no way to console at this point. There are so many of His ways that remain unexplained. We cannot question and we never know the answers. I understand what you must be going through and it's hard to imagine to be in your shoes. Just that hold on and don't give up.

    Take care.
    Love always

  3. I've been reading through your blog and my heart breaks for you.

  4. Hayley,
    Once again - searching for words and knowing NONE could even begin to come close...
    I continue to grieve with you. I'm just so sorry. So deepply sorry.

  5. My heart just aches for you and your family. I pray that you find him in every day of the rest of your life. In the rain on a summer day, in the sun on a cold January afternoon. May those 128 days shape the rest of your life as God intended.


  6. I'm so sorry, too. It doesn't feel like it's enough. But it is all I have besides prayers for you.

  7. Hayley....yesterday Jim took me into a flower shop and told me to pick something out for me. As I read the saying on the plate I ended up buying, I thought of you. I know our unthinkables are totally different but this spoke to me and I want to share with you. "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." Our storm will never has changed our life foever....but because of our BIG God we can try our hardest to dance in the rain. I'm praying for you and crying with you.....God wrap your arms around Hayley and dance with her as she dances in the rain. Love ya