Tuesday, October 22, 2013

crescent roll egg bake

This is a great super easy recipe from my friend Phoebe:
 
it's the go-to dinner on a super hectic night
 
or we suddenly have overnight company breakfast
 
or let's just have a special brunch
 
kind of yummy treat
 
and with crescent rolls it's hard to go wrong.
 
1 tube crescent rolls
 
2 cups  shredded cheese
 
12 eggs, beaten, salt and pepper to taste
 
*see variations
 
 
Unroll crescent rolls in greased 9 x 13 pan, sprinkle with cheese, pour eggs over.  Bake at 350 for 30-40 minutes until eggs are puffy and done.
 
 
 
*Phoebe sprinkled sausage as the base, then crescents, then cheese.
 
*I made it all summer with crescents, cheese, and then precooked bacon strips lined up on top
 
*pictured below: fresh veggies, fried potatoes, sausage, cheese, bacon, then crescents + eggs = perfect quick dinner with a big green salad!
 
enjoy!!
 
 

Monday, October 21, 2013

. . .and life itself is grace

- Frederick Buechner, Now and Then,  [and taken from Philip Yancey's Soul Survivor: how my faith survived the church]

Sunday, October 20, 2013

(the vision weekend)

These are things I heard my husband say this summer:

I want to go see Mark in Haiti this winter.  (best man in our wedding, Mark and Daniel have been friends for. . .ever)

Hey there's a FEMA class I wanna take.  It's like a week long.  (was it in Arizona? Louisiana? don't remember- it wasn't close, that's for sure.)

I think we should go see Jake and Loren, that would be really fun. (Hello, New Jersey)

Since this is our ten year, we oughtta book a week on a deserted island. (um, sign me up!)

among other items.

Daniel consistently logs 90+ hour work weeks and adding travel to that schedule just sounded insane to me.  I could feel my little security/pressure gauge rising as I logged in my head the logistics of these super great travel ideas that would leave me a) alone or b) snowed under in packing and unpacking alone.

I suggested said that we needed to sit down with a calendar and log this out so that all of these trips didn't end up back to back with all of us going crazy. 

Out of very short sighted and selfish reasons, one of our greatest lightbulb moments as a couple happened:

the vision weekend.

We were already planning to go away for a Thursday/Friday night in August to see Tim Hawkins with my fam so we just tacked on an extra night to our hotel stay intending to do some planning and scheduling together.

As we went through small group studies this summer we were challenged to strengthen our family and purposefully use and enjoy the gifts God has given us. We were given a lot to think about and bring to the planning table: beyond the calendar, what does God want us to do? 

Over dessert in our living room with Adam and Nicole one night, we shared our plan of going away to plan.

"That's cool," Adam said.  "Someone told me once that you shouldn't plan your next year, rather write down how you want the end of your life to look and then plan backwards from there. . . like, if I want  ____________ to be in place when I'm 90, what do I need to be doing at age 50, age 40, age 30 to make ____________ happen?"

We looked at each other; I saw the little glint in my uber-organized husband's eyes and I knew that we would be writing out end of life plans on our trip.

As our church has gone through a lot of change this summer, the leadership has been using a Strengths/Weaknesses/Opportunities/Threats (SWOT) model for charting out things we need to improve and work on.  Each member has had a chance to contribute to this list.  It's been an incredibly positive and energizing formula and we decided to let our kids do it for our family.

About a week before we went on the vision weekend I sat down with the kids and gave them a chance to voice our own strengths and weaknesses.  They talked, I wrote.  It was good.  It was enlightening.  I wrote as fast as I could and filed the results to talk about with Daniel.



Our long awaited calender --> vision --> priority evaluation weekend arrived and we started off early and motivated, not deterred by our first Hotwire bomb hotel choice (let's just say it was heavy on the maroon carpet)

We found this awesome little corner, maroon carpet aside, to spread our stuff out.

We started with these questions:

What motivates people?

What motivates us?

What are our dreams?

We wrote and dreamed and planned for hours.  It was good. We looked at our children's concerns (we don't want to see you argue) and what they loved (family mealtimes). We looked at our own dreams.  It was exhilarating to find how much God has taught us and how closely our dreams are aligned. 

I think in marriage, men and women fear sitting down and actually talking about their dreams because they might find out that he wants to go to the moon and she wants to never ever move.  You know, if we talk about our dreams, they might drive us apart. 

But not talking about them isn't the answer either:  the underlying tension of not being united causes a different set of problems. 

At the end of the trip we had scribbled through many legal pad pages, prayed together and separately, sought God's leading and His desires, listened to music that was currently impacting each of us, written desires for when we're old and gray, roughly planned out goals for our family over the next 5-10 years and written a family mission statement.

Really writing a mission statement was probably the most fun and we both felt dumb for not doing it sooner.  We had one for our business before it ever really started.  Churches have them. Anyone wanting to succeed at what they are doing has to filter a lot through the sieve of does this fit in the grand scheme of what we're about?

And what do families have?

Well. . . we have marriage vows.  Those are good.

And then you have a positive pregnancy test and all of a sudden you are hurled headlong into the tyranny of the urgent.

Never, never, do we want to view bending to tie little shoes and reading I am a Bunny as unimportant.  But without vision, sometimes you wonder if tying shoes is important.  Without any plan for our children or where we are going as a family it is far too easy to for us to be victims of our self-induced busy-town, to quote Richard Scarry. 

Writing a mission statement for our family has been so freeing.  It helps us understand what to say yes to and what to kick off the to-do list.  It helps us understand what we're about.

Planning for us is held very loosely.  We are well aware that all can be wiped away in a moment; we also understand peace and prosperity are poor teachers.  Planning what we will do next year? That's a concept we can only embrace because of great healing and believing that the heart of God is kind.  Our dreams and plans are not about control or telling God what we're going to do for Him, rather not wanting to waste the life He's given and prioritizing well.

And at the end of all those plans, we say, ultimately, God, these are all Yours. You can change anything You want.





And at the end of the weekend, we realized that while we never got to the calendar, we had accomplished something much more important:  we came away with unity, with dreams, with hope for our marriage and family, with great excitement about what God is doing and so much joy in joining Him.  Way better than charting dates and times.

We'll get to the calendar eventually.  :)


typical of us, whenever we find something that works, we're so excited and want everyone to be able to share the experience. the vision weekend is no exception.  here are some starter ideas. . . at the very least, good questions to ask people you love.

Quiet, Peace, No Distractions: This doesn't have to mean going out of town and getting a hotel, but that's what worked for us.  It's the only way to peel our noses off the grindstone. ;)

What are we learning about right now?

Who is impacting us?

What is the opportunity right in front of you?

Based on current performance would you trust you with this opportunity?

Am I preparing for the next opportunity?

Am I ignoring an opportunity because the income does not match the work load?

If you could do anything for God, what would it be?

How do you envision the end of your life?

What motivates you?

What drains you?

What do I/you love doing?

*Listen to great music. Great music is always a subjective term but here are the songs impacting our vision weekend: Believer (AudioA) + Jesus, Move (Big Daddy Weave)


Sample from our papers:


Family Mission Statement 2013/2014

we’re not afraid, we’re believers

Jesus, we’re alive to glorify Your name

 

We desire to raise a family producing effective children who will make others’ lives better through Christ; strong enough as a family to be able to open our doors and step out into the world that is broken.  We want our family to be a safe place where each one is loved unconditionally, where we meet and satisfy one another’s deep relationship needs. We want others to feel welcome, safe and loved in our home and family.




Go write your own story!

Saturday, September 28, 2013

sister weekend

 
 
Snapshots from our sister weekend. . .
 
my sister-in-law Marlys and I threw a little "thank you" party for
my two youngest sisters, Abbie and Elizabeth
 
They are continually babysitting, cleaning, stopping by to help, endlessly cheerful
and just plain unselfish.  Last year we all took them out to Biaggi's-
 
this year we had dinner here and then spent the next day shopping
 
we sent invitations with menus from Francesca's (local Italian restaurant) and instructions to order
 
so fun to be together.
 
I kicked Daniel and the kids out  of the house for the weekend *wink wink* and made the kids bedrooms into little retreat - rooms (in other words, piled all the toys in the closets)
It was so much fun.
 
When Lydia got here we ran to the library and raided it for every girl - book imaginable to have sitting out 
 
Seventeen Guide to Style
What not to Wear
1001 Questions to ask Before You Get Married
Bakerella
Picnic Foods
 
we started out with pedicures from the last salon open in town.
 
 
it's kinda fun to set a table for adults ;)

my beautiful youngest sister- Elizabeth

Abbie and Mom

our authentic italian arriving via our authentic italian delivery guy (ha ha!)

salads


menu:
all kinds of pizza & pasta
greens with fresh tomatoes, feta & bacon
sparkling water via Trader Joe's (&Lydia)



shopping till we (almost dropped)


we missed one of my sisters.

she couldn't make it.

here's why:


(welcome to the world, my sweet newest lil nephew, zacharias thaine)

Thursday, September 26, 2013

on pressure

She was beautiful, every girl's (and guy's) idea of beautiful, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect athletic body.  She was a mom.  How could she still look so smoking hot and super girl-next door at the same time??!!

I could feel myself sweating, partly because I couldn't find my deodorant anywhere (best guess: Eli threw it in the trash) and partly because our little parental-soccer-information meeting was being held on the field in 102 degree midwest humidity. 

Well and I was also sweating because my clothes looked dumb, my BlackBerry wasn't an iPhone, my earrings were drooping in my ears-that-need-re-piercing, my flip flops looked like dog chew toys (although we don't own a dog) and because I shouldn't feel this way at thirty-one years old!

*It's really humbling to admit I care about this stuff.  I shouldn't.  I know.  There, I got it out. 

And then SHE started talking, timidly interrupting the little meeting, scared and unsure.  She sure didn't look like someone who would be scared.  Now, me, with the sweat marks, I should be scared. 

Her son has allergies.  Severe allergies.  Like, call-911-allergies.  She was scared that the other parents would be mad if her son didn't partake in the snacks they brought to games. 

Really?  Are people that mean?  Apparently they are, because she was legitimately concerned and wanting to clear the air before it ever got clouded.  We all agreed, a bit incredulous, not to be bothered and (hopefully) set her mind at ease.

But this bugged me.  Why should she have to worry what people think if her son brings his own snack?  Ahhh, as busy as we Americans seem to be, we have too much time on our hands if we can't live and let live a little. 

The same week, back at the same soccer practice,  I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen for awhile.  She was dashing from her (running) vehicle to grab something she'd left at the playground.  She was literally fifteen yards from her car. 

With the reclaimed item in her hands, heading back to her car, she stopped, breathless, to apologize to me that she'd left her kids buckled into her vehicle.   

I know, it's the big no-no, don't leave children unattended in vehicles. 

I get it. 

But somewhere, someplace, this insanity of worrying about what others think of our parenting has got to stop. 

It was still midwest humidity with ungodly temperatures.  What kind of decent mom would think of dragging her kids out of the cool car across a sweltering parking lot to grab a forgotten toy?

I know what kind of mom-- the mom that I am when I'm afraid everyone sees my inadequacies, the missing deodorant,  the tear in the skirt that was super chic a bit ago. . .

the mom who has been burned one too many times by well meaning whispers

the mom who tries so hard and still her kid keeps biting the other kids

the mom who feels that everyone is against her and she's holding up her little world with her own two hands

the mom who just can't bear another disapproving glance or well, the way I did it was the only way to go

yep, that mom will be afraid to make her own sane decision to leave her well adjusted, well behaved children in her own car for 45 seconds. 

I look down at myself.

What about me makes this sweet woman need to apologize to me?!  I did buy some more deodorant.  Perhaps that's the key to looking like you have it all together.

And I stopped her.

"Hey- you're a great mom.  What in the world?! Leave your kids in the car!  That's what I'd do, plus, I don't care! It's ok! I'm not like that!"

She smiled, relieved, and left, still breathless.


I think about this crazy pressure phenomena for awhile.

Why am I scared of the other normal women in the soccer mom group?

Why is Ms. Stunning Beauty scared of the other women?

Why is my friend scared of me?


I talk to Daniel about it, and he nods and grunts makes thoughtful uninterested sounds, completely oblivious to the pressure game women play with each other.  Men have their own pressure games, a bit more bold and in your face.  At least men seem to know where they stand.  Women are a bit more sneaky.


There aren't any great answers popping out at me as I jump into my own pressure cooker of teaching my kids, preparing for a year of Bible Study and relationships with other women, sports and music and trying to help my daughter stop sucking her thumb. 

I try to balance being a stay at home mom with hiring my very-first designated nanny as I desperately race to help my husband complete deadlines and finish our house renovation projects. 

I try to balance working crazy hard with the freedom of paying a teenager to come fold my laundry and scrub my floors. 

I try to balance ministry (people in my home at all hours of the day and night) (this means serving a second dinner at 11pm sometimes) and sanity (taking time to lay on the trampoline with Eli).

Is it a balancing act or a pressure cooker?  I don't know.  Some days it feels like a pressure cooker.


I logged into Pinterest last night intending to pin pin pin away after months of neglecting my boards. (I blame Africa for this.)  The pressure hit me like a sauna blast. 

Guys! Come ON!!!

"Thirteen ways to fold a napkin." (I just want to know how to keep napkins in the house.  Sanitary napkins, too, for that matter.  Seriously.)

"How to make a homemade jellyfish in a two liter bottle with a grocery sack" (I am not making this up.)

Install your own whirlpool in your master bath (I don't have a master bath, I just need to clean my one bathroom.  And it's directly off the dining room.  Try that out for convenient-- and awkward.)

Jewelry that coordinates with outfits no one should buy, nails and haircuts and celeb sightings and news and terrific birthday parties that are in no mothers' capabilities or budgets anywhere. 

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

Stop folding the napkins.

Hug your son and let him bumble his own way through the jellyfish project and you stop trying so hard. . .maybe go paint your nails some really happy WalMart $2 color.

Just be yourself. 

Wear your own jewelry.

I love Pinterest because I am a writer and artistic at heart and I thrive on inspiration.  I buy books just because the title inspired me and paint colors because of how they make people feel. 

But sometimes inspiration, on Pinterest, in books, out in the world, in the church, at the soccer field. . . sometimes it gets awfully confused with comparison and jealousy and envy and pressure.

I'm asking myself this week:

Am I a safe friend?

Do I project condemnation or criticism?

Am I part of the pressure problem?

What are practical ways that I can help dial down the pressure?

Can I be a gracious receiver?

Can I exhibit humility while offering help and strength?

Is my own identity as a Child of God enough if everything else is gone?


My chalkboard wall is littered with multiplication fact post-its and though there's a great centerpiece on the table, it isn't clean. The white lights hanging in the dining room give a cozy glow to my chaos and I don't feel pressure in my own home. Here is where I know without a doubt that I am loved by a good man, needed by beautiful children, and safe in the Hand of the one True Identity Giver- Jesus Christ.


from Pinterest  \/



definitely not from Pinterest \/
(but happy none-the-less)


Treats are yummy regardless how they're packaged ;) - on his way to Puggles

And camping. . . in your own backyard. . . is such a terrific experience.  A picture would say a thousand words of joy if only your mom was a photographer.  But since she's not. . . you just look like you're laying on a tarp and you have large nostrils.


Annnnnnnd, we may not be submitting this project to the paper anytime soon since we can't spell everything (WHO is the kid's teacher anyway?!)

Now here is a surefire pinterest/fb/foodblogger approved chocolate chip cookie recipe:  Start with Olive Oil Miracle Whip, add some eggshells and Windex and stir it all together with a butcher knife.  Yum Yum. (Believe it or not, there is chocolate chip cookie dough in that bowl.)

I suppose this is what you do if you are eight going on twenty-eight and you know how to use a camera and you really wonder what you look like driving. 

Last but not least, an original art sculpture.  No.  Really it's the only safe place to keep your structure from being demolished. Welcome to my living room.


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

forced rest

Sometimes God brings my life to a screeching halt through the . . .

dumbest

things.

Like a tooth infection ?!?!

Isn't that for people who are . . . y'know. . . gross and just drink pop and eat candy? 

Well anyway,

here I am, in bed, flattened and unable to do . . .really anything. 

It's a great time to catch up on the neglected blog, huh?


I don't have time to rest.

But then, suddenly, you do. 


Between Daniel (my rx go-fer/handholder/medical advice giver) and my mom (who has a direct line to my local Hy-Vee delivery) and my mother-in-law (who is cleaning my kids up from the camping trip among other necessities) (they still reeked of smoke and literally had sand in their hair when she picked them up)  I am being cared for quite well.  

If my mouth would stop being swollen, that would be awesome.  (Is God trying to tell me something? Do I have a big mouth? Hmmm. . .)

Stuff I'm reading right now:

(between school, soccer, piano, toddler-attitude-intervention, awana, and house renovations)


Soul Survivor: How My Faith Survived the Church  by Philip Yancey

Yancey is a fantastic writer and his explanation of why he chose to embrace the Church despite it's many flaws is a collection of stories:  the life stories of thirteen people who have deeply impacted him.  You may recognise some of the names, but others are quite obscure; and some are not even believers. So far I've read through Dr. King, (truth need not be violent) G.K. Chesterton, (humor combined with truth is refreshing) Dr. Paul Brand, (pain is a gift and not a curse) and Dr. Robert Coles (sometimes the greatest wisdom comes from the lowly and obscure). One of the most thought provoking books I've read in a very long time.


Extravagant Grace by Barbara R. Duguid (why do Christians sin?)

Fit to Burst by Rachel Jankovic (motherhood)

The In-Between: Embracing the Tension Between Now and the Next Big Thing by Jeff Goins (learning to live in the space between the "major moments")

7: an experimental mutiny against excess by Jen Hatmaker

Jen Hatmaker is hilarious breath of fresh air to my soul.  I love how serious her walk with God is and the humor that she uses to challenge people to reevaluate their priorities and goals.  My very favorite part of this book is when Jen and her husband splurge and buy each other way-out-of-their-budget cowboy boots (they're from Texas), wear them to a church service where unbeknowst to them, the theme of the morning service is not only giving to those in need, but "leave your shoes at the altar and go home barefoot."  I guess you'll have to read the book to find out what they did.  :)

The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert: an english professor's journey into christian faith by Rosaria Champagne Butterfield

Rosaria was a lesbian English professor at Syracuse University; she did not "become saved and everything was wonderful."  She describes her story as a train wreck at the hand of the Almighty: "Conversion put me in a complicated and comprehensive chaos.  I sometimes wonder, when I hear other Christians pray for the salvation of the "lost," if they realise that this comprehensive chaos is the desired end of such prayers. . . Sometimes in crisis, we don't really learn lessons.  Sometimes the result is simpler and more profound: sometimes our character is simply transformed."  Read this if you want a refresher course in why to open your home (love love love the pastor and his wife who invited Rosaria and her honest questions to their dinner table for years); read this if you want to be reminded that while deeply held beliefs on marriage are Biblical, so is reaching the lost with love and compassion;  read this if you need a fresh perspective on very current issues from a passionately Biblical perspective. 

** not pictured and already given away: (this is what I do with books-- buy them, start them, give them away, buy them again. . . .hahaha)

The Furious Longing of God by Brennan Manning (the title says volumes.  beautiful, intense writing)

Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist (open your home, share your life)

Gods at War by Kyle Idleman (we still have idols today- they might look a little different than golden statues)

To Make a Life by Daniel Walser (grief, loss - stunning parallels between grief and a burning house. Truth.  So healing. )



But who has time to read anyway? 

It's not a secret that I love chalk:  I use it everywhere.  Did you know you can chalk on regular walls and then just wipe it off? That's what I did in Cambria's room:



But then she added a little post-it note to the wall.  When I tried to peel it off, I found that it had been glue-sticked firmly to the wall. 

Jacob dearly wants to have a collection, but doesn't know what to collect.  I told him that a collection just kinda happens.  Suddenly you realize you just love something and then you keep looking for more of that item.  He thinks he's found his collection: metal signs.  :)  3 down, many to come.   (looking at the other things that he loves, it could be worse: furs, animal skulls, handcuffs, ammo boxes. . . . .) The desk? He found it in a neighbor's trash down the street and dragged it home using a little red wagon. He is so my child. 

A million things to write about. . .  back to my forced rest now. :) (there is no swollen face smiley emoticon)

**embarrassed footnote:  I'm also in the middle of Happy, Happy, Happy by Phil Robertson. 

Saturday, August 31, 2013

anne : africa, pt.3

What do I know about South Africa?

Nothing, really.  It's my first whole day here; grasping for placement and context  I am frantically piecing together the article I read in Time about Oscar Pistorious, the Wikipedia research on Welkom I did while I was packing and bits and pieces from the Nelson Mandela Morgan Freeman / Matt Damon movie that I never actually watched. 

That's a pathetic commentary on my knowledge of current world events, let alone world history. 

To sum up these bits of popular culture + mission trip preparedness soundbites,  here's what I know:

South Africa has a lot of crime
South Africa is home to 3 million orphans
South Africa is also home to an AIDS crisis
South Africa has extreme wealth and extreme poverty side by side
Also, refer to soundbite #1

Not very much.

At Amber's suggestion and our eager response, Loren and I are going to visit a creche, Anne's creche. I don't know who Anne is.  I feel like I know what a creche is from reading the French parenting book Bringing Up Bebe. The creche is located at a hostel. I feel like I know what a hostel is from my high school WWII/European reading frenzy.  I also feel like the European intrepetation of hostel and creche may be quite different in this Africa place that we are diving into.

We wave goodbye and climb into Amber's car and drink in the sights as Amber drives and explains.  We drive through normal neighborhoods that leave one wondering if you are in Southern California or Africa.  Amber flies on the wrong side of the road and it's hard to not duck and cringe when we see oncoming traffic.  The parks are overgrown, but that could be Detroit: my mind is constantly drawing comparisons to what I know and understand. 

She drives on, on, out of town.  The fields are grassy and flat and ominously empty.  Here and there a few tall trees stand, lumped together in an odd, unplanned way.  Amber explains that the hostel was built for miners.  I feel proud of my Wikipedia knowledge that Welkom was home to a large gold mining community at one time and I don't have to ask what they were searching for.  The hostel isn't for miners anymore, just low income housing. 

We are suddenly in front of a long, low building, like a machine shed.  I see brick buildings in the distance and know we've arrived at this hostel community. 

Amber says we can go in and meet Anne and stay and help for a bit.  We make our way through a rusty metal gate and up a brick sidewalk.  Amber opens a wobbly door and marches through a classroom of little black cherubs who are playing with two young women.  We have no idea who or where Anne is, so we keep following, through the surprisingly bright classroom, out into a courtyard with jagged, broken concrete and sunlight and trees.  I glance around the courtyard and see doors, probably leading to other classrooms. 

Amber purposefully enters one room and I see Anne for the first time.  Of all the people we will meet while in South Africa, I don't know yet that she will make the biggest impression and her story will be burned on our hearts. 

Anne is large and welcoming and she is surrounded by about 25 kindergartners.  Her hair is parted straight down the middle, no nonsense, but her eyes twinkle and you quickly understand why her little charges adore her.  There's crying and it's a baby and I am surprised to see an entire nursery of little babies at one end of her classroom.  There are ancient pack and plays lining one wall and a makeshift divider to keep the babies from the classroom. 

Amber smiles at us and says I'll see you in about an hour, okay? and in a panic Loren and I realize what we hadn't understood before:  we are being dropped off.  We are going to be on our very own out in this old mining community with a woman we don't know and one hundred and fifty beautiful little kids. 

Well, neither of us signed up for this trip to be wimpy and weak, so we suck it up like big girls and try to figure out what to do for an hour.  Anne is capably teaching days of the week and colors and we feel like weird observers, outsiders, Americans with clothing far too nice and big eyes that betray how sheltered we've been.  I climb over the divider and meet this lil man with huge brown eyes and chocolate skin and I miss my Eli badly and squeeze him tight.  There are other little babies and we feed them bottles and play with them, trying to piece together who these kids are and why they are here. 

Anne says we can help the kids with worksheets.  Everything she teaches is from her heart and from her own hands.  The work sheets are just pieces of plain white paper.  The children are to write Monday in English and then a blue house with four windows. Anne is very specific and there is no coddling.  Equal opportunity to succeed, but only if you follow the directions.  I watched her praise a child with four really sub-par windows in his house, and then firmly direct another child who had drawn two really phenomenal windows to go add two more.  She is strict and kind and warm and exudes love.  The window incident made my heart warm to her and I watch her cheerfully teach with so little and carefully, meticulously file all of the homemade paperwork in a file for each child. 

Anne speaks French and Sothu and English, easily moving between the three, talking animated and enthusiastically with the children, then explaining things to me and Loren.  She waves her hand at the brightly colored walls and the cheerful banners and tells us that a team from the States came and painted her classroom for her.

On the other side of the room a woman is working at a table in a makeshift kitchen of sorts.  She is preparing a snack for the children and I offer to help her cut up the oranges.  She is shy and calls me sister and waves me away, then hesitating, asks if I want to offer the oranges to the children. 

I take the tray and at Anne's beckon, head over to the children.  They are a little chocolate squirming mob all around me and Anne booms out at them to mind their manners and suddenly there is a line and ladies first take their little bit of orange before heading out for their recess.

Thank you Lohd, thank you teacha, each one choruses dutifully and scampers out into the cracked concrete courtyard.

We ask to go play with them and Anne heartily approves.

Out on the playgound we find a small broken swingset, some tires, weathered grass and gleeful exuberant children.  I am awed at their cheerfulness and stunned by the poverty. I sit on the grass and they crowd around, touching my hair and I teach them high five, down low, on the side, too slow. My hand is numb and they aren't anywhere near being done with this new game. 

I learn that these children are really lucky ones, they have homes in the brick hostel buildings and their parents have jobs.  They don't have anywhere to go, though, while their parents are working and if it weren't for Anne, they would be all alone. 

I can't get enough of these happy kids and Anne's beautiful heart and later will beg Louis and Amber to let Daniel come back with me to the creche. 

Anne asks him to teach a fire safety class because as the weather gets cold, the kids often burn themselves on buckets of coal, makeshift little furnaces in their houses. 

Daniel is great with kids and they love him. 

Don't hide, go outside, he says, and a whole little chorus shouts back

don't hide, go outside!

Daniel is also great with adults and he asks Anne questions I wouldn't have even thought to ask; we are intrigued by her love for God and people and her strength and why she is out here in the slum version of the boondocks, an obviously intelligent and savvy lady.  She lets her assistants take over and takes us on a tour of her creche and community.






Anne is a widow;  she is a mom to six.  When her husband died, she packed her family and came from Lesotho by bus to Welkom for a promised job.

The job was a lie, Anne explains, matter of fact.  It's obviously water under the bridge to her now.  It paid 500 rand a month and the equivalent of $50 is not nearly enough for a brave grieving mamma who needs to support her six little people. 

So she is in the promised land of Welkom, needing a place to live, running out of money, and she hears that someone is going to be renovating the old hostel buildings into housing; Anne gets a ride out to the community.

I can't even explain it, I just knew that God wanted us here.  I walked into that apartment and I just knew.  I said, I'll take it. 

She moved in with nothing and immediately started a little creche, or daycare.  She allows people to pay her in increments and with volunteering and only recently received a small grant from the government. 

She is talking to us in a cluttered office, stacked with books and typical teacher-fare.  I notice a booklet on her desk, The High Calling of Motherhood and smile, knowing my mom owns one too.

The building would be condemned in a moment back home;  she is so proud of the doors she made herself for the tiny boys and girls toilet rooms.  I took a picture. 

A guy with some tools and materials could do Anne a world of good in an afternoon. 

But she isn't about an amazing building, she is about bringing order and beauty to this little community.  She is about bringing Jesus to kids who desperately need hope.  She has chosen to cast her lot here with them, living among them and making a difference. 

She walks us out of the Genesis Creche, out into the field, a dusty street.  There are the brick buildings in the distance and she says she will show us her apartment.  She mutters a phrase in Sotho as we pass three young men loitering.  They look up and nod at her with respect.

Daniel asks what she called them and she says destroyers.  There is evil all around and you can almost physically feel the oppression, the poverty, the hopelessness. Daniel and I compare notes later and agree that we would have been scared silly out there if Anne weren't so obviously respected. 

There are chickens running, rusty cars, laundry hanging out and incongruous satellite dishes. 

In America, we have government programs to assist children who are falling through the cracks;  that's a globally rare situation and I'm realizing with wide open eyes that humanitarian aid in South Africa is largely provided by believers.  If Anne weren't here. . .

there wouldn't be any happy little lunch line. 

No happy songs.

No reading and manners and grace and truth.

Later I will be able to contrast the wholeness of these children with the emptiness of others and I will realize again what a monumental role Anne is playing in their daily physical safety, their psyche, their eternal destiny. 

She looks more beautiful to me by the minute.

We are suddenly at Anne's apartment, stunningly clean, with her patch of yard mowed and a courtyard next to her apartment cheerfully painted in acceptable graffiti with an occasional Coca Cola splashed on the walls.  Her first creche was in her apartment and then the courtyard.  Outgrowing that, she began renting the building where she is now. 

Her door is painted a cheerful blue and she welcomes us into her tiny dwelling.  Pictures of her children,  most in college and grown now, are everywhere.  She has so little and yet she is happy and fulfilled, pouring her life out and making a difference where she is at.

I think of her often, struggle to put her story into words that will do her justice, to capture how mightily God is using her. 

I stumble and fail and type and rewrite and think

Anne started a creche.

Anne had a mighty faith.

Anne trusted God to meet her needs.

It doesn't tell the story. 

You would have to see it and drink it in yourself, to see the garden that she's planted, the way she incorporates mothers into her teacher pool so that they can help the school keep running, the little handwashing stations and the fences she carefully built herself with bricks she found along the roads.

There are other Annes in the world.

Anne is not letting your tragedy define you.

Anne  is pouring your life out right where you are at.

Anne  is loving the least of these.

Anne is vision and clarity and hoping for the future.

Anne is applying God's Word and living it.

I want to be an Anne.



{Anne, in purple, with her little chicks around her}
 

Thursday, August 22, 2013

end-of-summer pasta



Tonight: 


1 red onion sliced in rounds
3 cloves garlic, minced
3 ears of fresh corn, cut off the cob
Sauteed in
olive oil
fresh ground salt and pepper

Tossed with

1 pkg w/w angel hair (boil and drain)
1 zucchini, thinly sliced
1 yellow summer squash/ yellow zucchini thinly sliced
3 cups of spinach, cut in ribbons
3 cocktail tomatoes, thinly sliced
3 shredded chicken breasts (I baked them with a lil italian dressing)
1 small container of feta cheese

Mmmm. . . . served with crusty artisan bread. . . sooo good.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

calypso burritos

After waiting literally hours for Daniel in Home Depot one day, I discovered their extensive cookbook selection as well as this great recipe.  I've modified it since and use it often. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't like it. . . no one misses the meat and it's super super healthy using olive oil and mozzarella.  I wonder if I would rename them Home Depot Burritos?
 
 
2 medium size zucchini
1 medium yellow squash (whatever it's called - I think of it as yellow zucchini)
2 large carrots
1 large green pepper
1 large red onion
3-5 cloves garlic
olive oil to saute
fresh ground salt and pepper
1 can drained black beans or kidney beans
1 can drained whole kernel corn
1 envelope taco seasoning
1/3 cup salsa
handful cilantro
 
 
 
 
Grate squashes and carrots; chop pepper, onion and garlic.  Saute the onion and garlic until tender, add the pepper, then add the squashes.  Continue to saute, adding the remaining ingredients and simmer just until everything looks blended. 
 
 
serve with:
tortillas [preferably homemade ;) ]
mozzarella cheese
fresh avocados and tomatoes
sour cream
 

So yummy!
 
 

Monday, August 19, 2013

hateful words and monday-quotes

I was standing with my head tilted sideways, scanning new titles in the front of the library on a gorgeous end-of-summer afternoon when I heard the little snuffles and looked up to see two ten year olds carrying a young child out of the library onto the sidewalk.

It was just a flash, and they were gone, just long enough to break my heart and bring stinging tears to my eyes.

The little one's mouth was bleeding. He must have fallen into something.

"That's why we told you to stay with us, you retard." hissed one of the children.

I recoiled at the hateful words out of one so young and then they were gone, too late, nothing anyone could do.

I wanted to offer a bandaid, to reprimand the cruelty, to wipe away the blood and tell the little fella it was okay to cry, but they were gone.

The little whimpers and the sneer stayed with me all afternoon, bothered me, hurt my heart.

Why were they all alone?  What awful words had been hurled at the older children that they would be so quick to lash out at the little guy? He was too little to have such controlled little tears.  Where did they go?

I know too well that abandoned, lonely children are all around us.  You don't have to go to Africa to see hurting little kids. 

And what am I doing to help?  I don't know.  I wanna help where I can.  It's not cool or fun though when the grimy little urchin from down the street pops into my kitchen without knocking.  I give myself a mental medal for sharing our pizza pool party with dear friends . . . and a thirteen year old neighbor boy, but that's pretty small and even I know it.

On a different note entirely, as quick as I am to cringe at the unkind words at the library, out of my own mouth pour bitter words at my husband, frustration at my children, sarcasm when I don't agree with your point of view, and how am I so different? 

Kindness in a world of cruelty. . . so very rare.

Kindness in the little safest place called home. . . rare, there too. 

It shouldn't be rare.

It starts with me.


Two quotes staying with me this week:

Go where Jesus is pointing.  If you're not sure where that is, go to the poor.  Bob Goff

I believe Christianity happens when men and women experience the reckless, raging confidence that comes from knowing the God of Jesus Christ.  Brennan Manning, The Furious Longing of God

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

letter to a grieving mom

Was it uploading files of photos to Shutterfly and running across 25 pictures of Gabe's pacifier that made me think of how far God has brought us?

Was it seeing other people just beginning the grief road?

I don't know why, but I've had these thoughts whirling around in my head these days, things I would have told the grieving, shattered young woman that was me. 



Dear Mamma-of-a-child-in-Heaven,

It is so hard.

I know.

It does hurt to breathe.

Your arms do physically ache.  It's not your imagination.  You're not going crazy.

Your heart does do weird stuff.  Grief affects us physically.  It's normal.

It's not normal.

It hurts so bad.

You are seeing people that reach out to you, people that have lost children, and they seem okay.  That is freaky scary.  How are they okay?  That intimidates you.  Don't let it.  Grasp the reaching hand they are stretching.  They aren't okay, they just want you to know there is hope. 

You can't sleep.  It's okay.  It's normal.  Your mind runs a movie reel of your child's death endlessly and you can't block it.  That's normal too.  Your mind needs to convince your heart that your baby isn't there anymore.  It's a process.  You can't rush it.  The movie reel won't always keep running, out of your control. 

That little boy wearing the same shirt as your son's-  take a deep breath.  This will not always be the sharp knife that it is now.  His mamma doesn't hate you.  It's not her fault.  If his mamma knew that was your son's outfit too, she never would have made you endure that.  It won't always be so wrenching.  Grief will tell your mind crazy things.  Don't let it lie to you about people.

The family reunion photos that seem like a prison sentence. . . I know, it's not a real family photo.  I know, you're thinking about the glaring omission and a cold little grave and everyone else is smiling.  Don't hate them for smiling.  I know.  I understand.  Take a deep breath.  It's okay not to smile.  It won't always be so brutal. 

Your first phone call hearing someone died, visiting a funeral home again - I know, you feel like you're panicking and going to vomit and you can't do it.  Cry out to Jesus.  Hug those sad people hard.  Get some more Kleenex.  Let the tears flow.  It's healing. 


Your kids talk about death, or play that they die, or their dolls die-  that is normal.  They cry.  It's normal.  They don't cry.  That's okay too.  Children are resilient.  Love them.  Give them hugs.  They hurt to see you sad too.  They will be okay.  The grief road for your kids is much shorter than it is for you.  Be thankful for that. 


Find the safe people.  You might not feel strong enough to look, but they are there. Find them.  You can pour it out to them.    In almost every situation and at almost every social event, there's someone who understands pain. . . you might find that safe place when everyone is laughing and you see a face, a heart, that isn't.  Don't expect everyone to be safe.  It's too much to ask of the entire world.

There are no ways to soften first birthdays, first holidays, death anniversaries.  It's just going to be sad.  I'm so sorry.  I wish you didn't have to go through it. 

You do things to cope.  You take pictures of keepsakes.  You carry little mementos in your purse.  You hope no one notices and then pray that they will.  Maybe then someone will ask how you're doing, let you cry on their shoulder, tell you that they love you and that they know you loved him.  You will always feel the need to commemorate and acknowledge but the ways of doing it will change.  And that's good.  

You won't get over it.  You will learn how to live with it.  You don't get over part of your heart being gone.  That's just your painful reality.  But you will laugh, you will smile, you will live again.  You can. 

What do I wish I could tell you, you with the dark circles under your eyes and the light on late into the night?  I want you to know that God will carry you if you let Him.  He will carry your pain.  He is so near to the broken hearted.  When He seems far away- and He seems light years away sometimes- cry out to Him.  He is there. 

There are things that happen, words that hurt deeply, that people say and do inadvertently now.  You will cringe and ache.  They don't mean to hurt you.  You will see this in a few years, but it will take years.  Be gentle with them and gentle with yourself, too.  It's okay to back up a little from painful situations, but don't think people mean to hurt you.  They don't.  Believe me. You'll see someday.

Oh dear one, weighed down with the heavy load of grief, know that someday the load will be lighter, and God will give you the incredible gift of helping someone else carry their own burden.  You don't know now, but healing will come from weeping with those who weep. 

One day you will wake up and realize. . .

we have this treasure in jars of clay
 to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us
we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair; 
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed
. . .therefore we do not lose heart
{from II Corinthians 4}
 
don't lose heart
 
Love,
 
hayley

Saturday, July 27, 2013

letting my 8 year old go. . . (for ten minutes)

He wants to buy worms, this little son of mine, and I don't have time.

I know, worms are a need, he's going fishing.  I calculate the bread in the oven still and Eli needing a bath and the distance out of my way to stop to buy worms and suddenly I have a great idea.

Three, no four, no five? blocks down the street, on our side, in the oddest place, is a little gas station that may or may not sell gas anymore, but they definitely sell bait. 

I think for a moment.  Jacob rides his bike all over the place, he's just never gone there.  I think about how easy it would be for him and me and know he's completely capable of buying a container of nightcrawlers on his own. 

I hatch out this little plan with him.  He is one hundred percent on board with running his own errand and with many assurances that he'll be fine, he trucks off on his own with my BlackBerry in his pocket. 

Call 911 if you need to! I trail after him and sound like a crazy person.  He is 8 going on 28 and savvy and smart and an all around great kid.  He will be just fine and I am turning into the clinging mother I vowed I wouldn't be.

My bread bakes and I kneel next to the tub, bathing Eli, strangely bereft of that constantly behind feeling that I carry. 

He's old enough and fine.

He's gonna be so proud paying for those worms and putting them in his HyVee sack.

I'm so scared he'll . . . like. . . veer out into the street in front of a car.

Truth, woman, tell yourself truth. 

#1 Jacob has never veered anywhere.  He was born on purpose.  He purposefully, dutifully, stubbornly marches through life according to plan.  He doesn't veer. 

#2 Refer to #1.

With the time I saved not stopping to pick up bait, I worried.

It is hard for me to imagine a more stressful state of being than raising babies and toddlers.  You pray for them to go to sleep, and in my case, pray for them to wake up too.  This leaves me in a strange tension of inadequacy and exhaustion. 

In my head, all of my mothering problems will go away once everyone is potty trained, sleeping through the night, not biting fellow tots, reading, mastering beginning addition and independently able to cater a snack to oneself. 

In another wiser corner of my head, I tell myself that this is an illusion, a mirage that only mothers of toddlers believe.

My friends with kids older than mine assure me that motherhood is still quite wearing even though they aren't buying Pampers anymore.

And now I'm experiencing it all on my very own.  I have coached this child on manners, his dad has drilled financial sense into him, we have quizzed and requizzed him on bike safety and let him out on his own numerous times. He even has a phone with him!  I have raised him to the point that he is totally capable of what he is doing and now I'm worrying and scared when I should be triumphant and happy.

Like I tell Deeann I'm gonna be at my kids high school graduations.  No sniffling here! I say bravely.  I am gonna be rejoicing and planning a vaca with my man!  Triumphant and happy, that's me.

Or not. 

What if?

Is he okay?

It's been all of five minutes.

Ok, that's it, I'm getting Eli out of the tub and driving down to see if he's okay. 

**noise in the driveway

"Mom, I'm back, it went fine, Mom, the worms are $3.20, but Mom I'm so embarrassed, I went all the way there and I forgot my wallet. I remembered everything else!  I have it now, I'll be right back."

Pause.

"There was one thing a little bad."

My heart stops.

"The guy in there was smokin', Mom, and it stinks, so bad."

Whew.

"I'll be right back!"

Be careful. . . . I trail off like the worrywart mom I never meant to be.



I savor these days with him, and love the conversations we can have now that he's a bit older; tonight he flopped across our bed and chatted endlessly about remote control cars and I know I glazed over but I love that he wants to tell me about it. 

I love the little man he's becoming and I ache for how much he has yet to learn and how hard life will be for him until he's willing to yield and be humble and teachable.  I am scared sometimes that we'll influence him in the wrong direction or that he'll see in us something that will scar him and wound him.

Cambria took down the letters to her name that hung above her bed leaving three: B R I .  She signs her letters Bree and calls me Mother just for something new.  Yesterday she was sporting a rubber band as an ankle bracelet.  She is always on a wild new tangent. (She is so my child.)  She does veer.  (She is not allowed to ride her bike down the street for bait.)  She may "do hair or work in a nursery" when she grows up and she changes her clothes about 52 times a day.  She can be insecure and too much of a people pleaser and a bit lazy.

You can't feed 'em a bottle and rock 'em to sleep.

It's much much more complicated.

I know, too, that I don't think these thoughts about Eli.  His needs are much simpler.  I just need a visceral strength and tons of coffee to deal with him. 

By the way, loved the study Harvard just conducted on coffee-drinking cutting suicide risk in half. Drink some coffee.  Life will look more beautiful.

But these other little growing up children of mine, beautiful and frustrating and moldable and independent-yet-needy -

I need grace and wisdom and I need to let go and rein in all at the same time. 

But when have I not needed grace and wisdom?


Always. 


And I cry out to God, for my marriage, for my children, for my family,


build something beautiful
don't leave until You do
(JJ Heller)

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

(the gift of going home)

Friday found us making the long drive to Mom and Dad's.
 
The gift of going home is not lost on me.
 
It is a gift and a treasure.
 
Our kids playing with their cousins, endless lil Gator rides, kittens, trampoline, Grandpa and Grandma at their beck and call.
 
Dinner beginning at eight, under the stars and a table long enough for all 25 of us.  White lights and paper lanterns strung high in the trees; music and great food against the backdrop of laughter and cornfields and my heart squeezes.
 
I'm thinking of all the work it takes as a parent to get to this point, where your kids wanna come home and see you.
 
I'm thinking of all the relationship work it is to sit around the same table and not hold onto scars and bitterness, but rather forgive and choose love.
 
I'm thinking of all the many people I know who would give anything to have an evening like ours in their lives- a place, a time where you can be accepted for who you are, loved unconditionally, to laugh and belong.
 
I'm thinking of the line from Jacob's new favorite song,
 
all I can do is thank You for this life I never deserved
 
We put kids to bed in the farmhouse, some upstairs and some down and some out in the outbuilding-turned-guesthouse and we linger and talk and savor the everyone is together moment. 
 
Life is hard and cold and our family is not immune to grief, problems, stress, worry.  God was gracious to my dad and he is looking great after being involved in a hit and run accident earlier in July; my brother is on crutches after breaking his ankle in a softball injury.  My sister-in-law has just home from the funeral of her cousin, one of the nineteen firefighters killed in Arizona, and the brief window of life is something we're all aware of as we gather. 
 
Life is hard.
 
How much stronger we are to share life together.  How much sweeter. The good times and bad, you know, the bitter and sweet, it's cliche, but it's so true. . . it's so much better shared.
 
I get all introspective as I sit on a couch that someone moved outside, in our little heavenly mix of Martha Stewart meets Redneck, listening to the happiness and music and just drinking it all in, rest for my weary soul.
 
What if I couldn't go home?
 
What if the soul-care wasn't there?
 
What if Mom and Dad had thrown in the towel?
 
What if Dad had bowed to the gods of money and success?
 
What if Mom hadn't poured her life out?
 
What if we weren't loved?
 
What if we hadn't been encouraged forced to get along?
 
As a parent, I think of all that we want our children to succeed at;  and moments like these make me resolve to help them succeed at things that matter; character and relationships and loving well.
 
I wanna make my kids want to come home, not to stay, not to be stifled, not to cling, but to be able to regroup and recharge and relax and renew.