(deep sigh)

We made it.

I have never

ever

ever

been so glad that Christmas was over.

Sweet, sweet bitterness.

So many people softened the blow of the first Christmas for us. . .

Someone reached his tiny grave before us on Christmas morning. . . all of the snow brushed away, that small little pine blanket brushed clear of six inches of snow.  We tried to follow the tracks of the angel who did this for us. . . but I think they wanted to remain a mystery.  Thank you, precious friend.

The little tree at his resting place; covered in tiny blue bows and blue snowflakes and blue butterflies.  Breathtaking.  Bless you. . . unknown friend.

tiny ornaments in memory of our little man. . .

pictures. . .

journals. . .

cards with his name added, too (thank you, sweet Becky. . .)

We are so blessed by so many who poured out, unselfishly caring and carrying our grief during what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year. Thank you to each one who chose to face our pain, and not turn away. . . 

It is hard to dull the throbbing ache of loss.

I am learning so much.

I am blessed beyond belief to have a man who loves me so well, even through these dark, dark days.

I am learning that a grateful heart is sometimes also an aching heart.

I am finding out how strong the love of a Father really is.

I am shocked at how weak I am.

I am in awe of how strong HE is.

I am savoring the joy of my children and the crazy hilarity of their age.

I am loving watching JD's thrill {still} at being on Christmas vacation. "Dear God, thank You so much that I can have Christmas vacation, because some kids don't get a vacation from school, so thank You."  (I didn't set him straight.) 

Laughter at Cambria's honest efforts to rhyme words. . . some are perfect combinations, others not so much.  "we and me! we and he!" {good}  "eat and car!" {not good}  "you're the best mommy!" {perfect}

Hanging on to Daniel. . . drawing so much strength from him this week.

Still incredulous that Daniel discovered both of my Christmas gifts for him. . . wireless internet + gifting him with my {treasured} Blackberry.  {Sigh.}  I was never the best at keeping secrets anyway.

Planning what day to schedule my hour long massage birthday gift.  (Yes, my birthday is in May.  But that massage has motivated me through hundreds of thank yous over the summer, weddings, packing and unpacking, cleaning, rentals, Thanksgiving, diets, Christmas cards. . . and well, it's just time to use it.)

{another sigh}

Thank You God. . . thank You for never letting go. . .  I love You. . .