Saturday, August 14, 2010

this hand is bitterness

This hand is bitterness -- we want to taste it

let the hatred numb our sorrow

The wise hand opens slowly

to lilies of the valley -- and tomorrow.

I never understood the concept of hatred drowning out sorrow. . .

never had any reason to contemplate that.

When you grow up in an incredible family

marry a gorgeous guy

live in a beautiful home

have friends you don't deserve

receive the gift of three perfect children. . .

. . .that kind of existence doesn't negate the obvious stresses of life, but it also doesn't lend itself to. . .

bitter tears

crushing pain

confusion in relationships

broken hearts

anger at people who don't understand

bewildering loneliness

frightening loss of reason and balance

I am struggling with forgiveness tonight. . .

It's oh so much easier to let hatred numb the sorrow.

Irrational anger at ones who don't understand. But how could they?

Frustration with carefree people. Carefree. What does that feel like again?

Fury directed at stuff that doesn't matter. Let's fixate on how annoying it is that Cambria threw sand in the pool and clogged the pool filter. If I can stay annoyed, maybe I won't feel the pulsating grief.
Not angry with God.
How could I be angry at the Giver of Gabe's life?
I have cried out to the silent heavens, standing by his little grave, God. . . . whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyy?
And those stories you hear of people who are so incredibly submissive to the will of God in the face of unspeakable tragedy?
Yeah, not us.
There was a lot of ER hallway wall pounding from Daniel -- God, no, no, no, no, God! A lot of screaming no, no, no, no, God from me {in pillows, in the car with the windows rolled up, into his little fire hat}.
I've told God that it's too hard.
I've told Him that I don't want to do this.
But I am not shaking my fist at my Heavenly Father.
People, on the other hand. . .
I need so much grace for relationships right now.
I am so weak.
My flesh is so strong.
It is so tempting to nurse bitterness.
To be slow to forgive.
To allow wounds to fester instead of heal.
To close my heart to anyone who is less than superhuman. Our friends & amazing family - yes, you guys - you are superhuman. {everyone can't be superhuman? what?}
God - can You drown out the bitterness. . .
the anger
the hatred
the wounds that seem too deep to heal?
You can heal.
You are way strong enough to fix our broken hearts.
You can supply the oil of forgiveness.
My cup is so empty, Lord.
There isn't anything in my heart left to give. . .
. . . but You are the Giver of Life.
You are also the Giver of Eternal Life.
I love You for that tonight - the promise of eternity with You.


  1. Oh, Hayley. I wish I could say I know how ya feel, and that it will get better. But I have never walked that road. Please just know that my heart hurts with yours, and I so care!!

    By the way, I love your blog, and how it's laid out, etc. You should give me lessons sometime. =) Blessings to you today, and may God carry you close!

  2. I don't think you're alone in your feelings. Thank you for sharing.

  3. You probably don't know who I am, and that is okay. Simply, I used to be a King's Daughter subscriber/reader and I found your blog through a friend rabbit trail.

    My heart breaks for you and your loss. I know there is no way I can know it. But I have a dear friend, who has 6 babies in heaven now, and she has shared this website that I thought I would pass on:

    She also has a personal website, if you are interested in reading her story.

  4. I don't know you but I can't even begin to tell you how much I LOVE how TRANSPARENT YOU ARE. This has been so incredibly helpful for me to follow your journey of healing. You give me HOPE that our Lord is our strength and that He gives you what you need to get through this. I'm so sorry for your EXTREME loss. I have been so touched by your story that I actually have you on a chalkboard in my bathroom so I can pray for you when I'm brushing my teeth and getting ready for the day.

    I'm SO thankful for your raw and unfiltered posts.

    Praying for you all,

  5. Forgiveness... at first always feels far worse than bitterness.... Forgiveness means refusing to make them pay for what they did. However, to refrain from lashing out at someone when you want to do so with all your being is agony. It is a form of suffering.... You are absorbing the debt, taking it completely upon yourself instead of taking it out on the other person. It hurts terribly. Many people would say it feels like a kind of death. (The Reason for God, Timothy Keller)

    Forgiveness can be a costly activity. When you cancel a debt, it does not just simply disappear. Instead you absorb the liability that someone else deserves to pay... This is precisely what Christ accomplished on Calvary. (The Peacemaker, Ken Sande)

    Isaiah 53:4 "Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried."

    Hebrews 4:15 "We do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses."

    Love you Hayley - I hope this post doesn't make matters worse! These are a few quotes and verses that have meant a lot to me lately.

  6. I sang that song at church for a couple who's son had assaulted a girl and then committed suicide afterwards. Their pain was great and the circumstances less than ideal. Their shame was crippling.

    God is the Giver of Life. Keep clinging to that. I'm praying for you, Hayley.

  7. Hayley I read your blog and unfortunately know exactly where you are and how you feel. The last few days have been really hard and that same song I have played over and over and I cannot count the times I have begged God to just give me my baby back and pick someone else...b/c I was failing at overcoming this. Our babies were taken a day apart and the same age....I keep hoping it gets better and yet I find it getting harder. BUT the harder it gets the more I go to God, the more I ask Him to help us. My husband and I talk all the time about how hard this is b/c no one understands and that everyone's life just goes on and we sit holding nothing but pictures and memories that crush us. We know your pain, and we are praying diligently for you and your we know that the prayers are what sustain us in these times!! Kim Ray

  8. Oh, Hayley, I love how you have always been so real. I hope that in my inexperience (and all too often, my quickness to speak), I have not said anything that has in anyway frustrated or hurt you. I think of you often, knowing that I cannot understand, but somehow God is working through your story in my life to remind me that David belongs to Him. Oh, I keep wishing we lived closer so that I could show I care in something more than words!!

  9. I'm praying for you... i think i've learned in the last 3 months how that is not a cliche.. luv you. hang in there.