Monday, March 19, 2012

dreams. jobs. more selfishness.

I feel tears running down the inside of my nose as I listen to someone talk about doing their dream job.  

I try to explain it to Daniel later, from the safety of my home, curled up on our leather couch, the children asleep. {finally}

The tears push again and I find myself amazed as I verbalize my selfishness. 

I just feel like life is . . . out of my control. 

Like I just never got to choose. . . . and now I am just stuck. . . and I wanted to write. . . and now I teach. . . but I'm not a teacher. . .

And it's all so thankless and these little people are so thankless sometimes.

And the monotony can just be mind numbing.

This is why I read deep stuff, I thought today as I laid on the floor with Eli, pressing a push and go rattle up and down, up and down, up and down, just so I can prove to myself that I'm not going crazy.

You can laugh with me, I'm sure, or look back and remember;  you can worry that I am going crazy; you may think I'm a little selfish, and there you will be absolutely correct. 

My husband  {gently} points out that laziness and selfishness keep us from our dreams and the only one keeping me from writing is me. 

I want to argue with him.

I want to say that The Children demand everything.

I want to say that Hospitality leaves me no time.

I want to say that Grief has stolen my motivation.

I want to say that Teaching has exhausted my capacity to think.

I want to give excuses, but there are none, and there are four fingers pointing back at me if I even start to blame.

I can get up earlier,

I can be purposeful,

I can engage my brain instead of  lulling it to sleep,

I can just write.

Though my creative nature defies and strains against order and discipline, it is dying without it. 

Scheduled creativity. . . . .?  (cue screaming clip) Fortunately, creative people are always up for a new idea and though I really am reluctant, I'm giving it a try.

So you may find more around here, my little quiet corner and my idea springboard, my little blog where I can dump my thoughts and sort out life. 

And confess my selfishness.


  1. Hayley, I hardly know how to express this've put into words some of the exact stirrings in my own heart these past couple years and especially, these past recent weeks.

    Life out of control? I get that.

    When I was a teenager (and as young as 9) I wanted to be a writer and a baker. I also wanted to be a wife and mommy. I'm so blessed in so many ways, and I know you would say the same. Yet I understand your sense of loss...of life just being out of control...of feeling like you are losing a part of yourself.

    I understand now how grief can steal one's motivation. For me, grief brought clarity to life in one sense, making me love and treasure more, but it also left me drained and changed and wondering if I'd ever enjoy my favorite passions again.

    You are in my thoughts! How I wish you were near enough to come over for coffee. May you have grace for today.

  2. Thank you, Rachel. Is it the weather making us feel this way?!

    Sometimes I wonder if it's because we made the decisions we made riding the wave of the stay at home mom / homeschool movement and now as an adult I need to "make it my own" and sort it all out for myself.

    (But that's another subject!)

    Coffee. . . yes. Someday. :)

  3. Oh I so totally get this! You put into words what is often in my heart.

    I wanted to be a writer too, but have lost myself being stay at home, home school mom. Being a mom was one of my greatest desires and I am so thankful I get to do that (so I'm not complaining). It's just that for my own sanity I I need to write.

    I have so many excuses as to why I don't write much anymore. The biggest reason being time and also I just don't feel like my brain works as well as it should anymore. Some days I can barly get out an intelligible thought. Ha! I love what your husband pointed out...the only one keeping you from writing is you. That is so true of me. I don't want to waste the gifts that God has given me.

    Praying we can find the balance in motherhood so that we make time to use the talents that He has given us.

    Now I'm off to go write for a bit before I head to bed.


    P.S. I'm glad you are going to be writing here more often. I am always encouraged by what you share. You are a very gifted writer. :)