dreams. jobs. more selfishness.

I feel tears running down the inside of my nose as I listen to someone talk about doing their dream job.  

I try to explain it to Daniel later, from the safety of my home, curled up on our leather couch, the children asleep. {finally}

The tears push again and I find myself amazed as I verbalize my selfishness. 

I just feel like life is . . . out of my control. 

Like I just never got to choose. . . . and now I am just stuck. . . and I wanted to write. . . and now I teach. . . but I'm not a teacher. . .

And it's all so thankless and these little people are so thankless sometimes.

And the monotony can just be mind numbing.

This is why I read deep stuff, I thought today as I laid on the floor with Eli, pressing a push and go rattle up and down, up and down, up and down, just so I can prove to myself that I'm not going crazy.

You can laugh with me, I'm sure, or look back and remember;  you can worry that I am going crazy; you may think I'm a little selfish, and there you will be absolutely correct. 

My husband  {gently} points out that laziness and selfishness keep us from our dreams and the only one keeping me from writing is me. 

I want to argue with him.

I want to say that The Children demand everything.

I want to say that Hospitality leaves me no time.

I want to say that Grief has stolen my motivation.

I want to say that Teaching has exhausted my capacity to think.

I want to give excuses, but there are none, and there are four fingers pointing back at me if I even start to blame.

I can get up earlier,

I can be purposeful,

I can engage my brain instead of  lulling it to sleep,

I can just write.

Though my creative nature defies and strains against order and discipline, it is dying without it. 

Scheduled creativity. . . . .?  (cue screaming clip) Fortunately, creative people are always up for a new idea and though I really am reluctant, I'm giving it a try.

So you may find more around here, my little quiet corner and my idea springboard, my little blog where I can dump my thoughts and sort out life. 

And confess my selfishness.