Friday, April 22, 2011


Could I just go to bed and pull the covers over my head and sleep until next year?

I wish I didn't have to face all of the decisions stacking up around me, everywhere I turn another dilemma facing my weak and weary heart. . .


Sleeping until next year is a good option.


I guess I can't.

Someone sprayed water all over the bathroom from the balloon pump. (I know because my socks are wet.)

{direct cleanup}

Morning spent with a precious girl. . . sorting out life over Starbucks and tissues.

{JD:  why do girls cry? 
 me:  girls cry when they are sorting things out.
JD:  wow
me:  the sooner you figure that out the better you will be able to deal with women.
JD:  huh
me:  the best you can do is pat them on the back, say "I'm sorry" and walk away and give them some space.
JD: [ l o n g silence. . . .] one more thing you could do is hand them Kleenex, mom.}

I cut out Cambria's Easter dress today (nothing like waiting until the last possible moment) and as I sat down to sew, discovered that the pressure foot to my machine is missing.

{search sewing area. search sewing cupboard. search whole house. decide to run and buy a new one. remember i don't have the van today. give up. pack Easter dress away.}

Found out this afternoon that Daniel would be home tonight.

{prepare man-friendly meal}

Discover that his floor hockey night starts an hour earlier than I thought.

{forget man-friendly meal. he sees my frustration. he stays to eat with us. he's way late. i pout. i fail. i stink at flexibility.}

Watch my Jacob Daniel (current occupation aspiration: architect) spend the entire afternoon building a house and furniture with cardboard, popsicle sticks and a mini glue gun.

{euphoric child. mess everywhere}

All the while, underneath, lurks constant strain and constant worry.  I am so afraid.  I am not strong.  I am so fearful. 

I know what miscarriage is.

We've walked that {more private} road.

Each little twinge. . . I wonder. . . is my little punkin. . . okay? Please, just be okay.  Please, let me make it to twenty-five weeks.  Please, let there be a heartbeat.

I told my mom today that I would like to be attached to a Doppler.  She laughed, because we both know that wouldn't really solve anything.

I hope for a future with our fourth child, my fifth pregnancy. 

I hope for hope.

I feel lost.

I feel . . . a lack of motivation.

I feel. . . unproductive.

I feel. . . like sleeping for a year.

Did I already say that?

"I have labored to no purpose;  I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing." {Isaiah 49:4}


God said:

It is too small a thing for you to be my servant

I will also make you a light

I will. . . restore. . .

I will. . . keep you. . .

[I will] say to the captives 'Come out'

and to those in the darkness 'Be free'

Though a [mother may forget her child] I will not forget you!

See, I have engraved you on the palms of My Hands.

[from Isaiah 49]

Only God gives such amazing hope to the unproductive.


  1. You, my dear, are in my prayers. You've had a lifetime of pain that no one should experience and I hope that this pregnancy will be amazing and I'm glad I'm going to be around to see it! Looking forward to seeing this mystery dress Easter Sunday =)

  2. Oh, Hayley, I laregly identify with you. I'm at almost 12 weeks, and have about as much motivation as a tree branch. But various and sundry catastrophies and duties pry me up and back to work. {think wax in my bathroom, lol} I pray that your weeks slip by uneventfully and that Father continues to reassure and comfort you. Blessings & love ....

  3. My mom (Tim W.'s grandma) and I try to pray together most days. Yesterday I was praying for you in tears (they always come when I pray for you) not knowing you are pregnant. I prayed that if the Lord blessed you with another child that He would give you His peace, the peace that passes understanding also. I also prayed for extra strength over these next few especially difficult weeks. Then, yesterday afternoon my daughter Sonja called and said "Mom, did you see Hayley and Daniel are expecting?!!" (More tears) We are so excited for you and will be praying faithfully that our Lord will honor your desires and all will go well. I look forward to meeting you some day.

    Tim's Aunt Judy (Peggy's sister)