Tuesday, August 28, 2012

when sleeping through the night isn't happy

It was a beautiful day to spend at the zoo today. . .

it was such a crazy long week and weekend . . .without my man. . . 

normally Monday is not a day I would relish, but today was different because we spent it with Daniel.

We spent some time watching Daniel's work and then spent the entire day at the zoo with him.  It was so fun.  I didn't want to come home.

Coming home would force me to face what was really on my mind. . .

Gabe slept through the night three nights in a row.  He slept through the fourth night, too and never woke up.

I have avoided and avoided teaching Eli to sleep through the night but the time has come for my sanity and his.

Tonight is Eli's fourth night.

I dragged and dragged my feet.

I let him get in the pool.

He had a bath. 

I sorted out pajamas for him.

I let him crawl all over our bed naked.  (he loves being naked)

He said goodnight to his peeps aka JD and Cambria.

I got my dumb camera phone out and made Daniel take a bunch of pictures of him.

He's so stinking cute.

Daniel started calling him "Bacon" today.

 And then I kissed his little self all over and put him in bed.

How do you ever have enough time???

You don't, that's all.

I plodded downstairs to piles of laundry to fold and children who wouldn't go to bed and were coming up with fantabulous stall tactics.

changing bed sheets.

(mom, i had a bloody nose on the sheet.) (why am I just now finding out about this?!)

oiling the fan.

it's squeaky.

I thought they were in bed and I sat down on the couch to try to manage my tattered emotions and what do you know. . . there the two little people were.  Looking at books just as chill as you please. 

Dad told us we could look at books because we're going to rub his back.

I'd like to pretend that a cherishing the moment mentality was present, but it wasn't and they were sent off to bed on no uncertain terms.

I started folding all the little pieces of clothing, bright summer colors and sturdy little jeans, bigger than Gabe's ever were, and I realize that I'm not really scared for Eli.

He's quite okay.

I am nervous, yes, because it's a milestone that snuck up on me, but what it's really about is Gabe.  It's that little deja vu feeling of normal happy evening, put the baby in bed, wake up in the morning and oh, the world crashed in today.

I don't want the world to come crashing in again tomorrow morning.

It won't my stronger, farther-in-the-healing-process psyche assures me.  But my heart falters and I cry as I fold the socks and the shorts and wish for the laughter that I won't hear again.

The grainy phone pictures. . . what were those about? If it was really Eli's last night, we would hardly settle for snapshots of him with poor quality lighting.  But it's not about Eli, it's about missing Gabe and wishing I would have taken another photo, had a recording of his chuckles, kissed and kissed and kissed him again.

The powerful presence of God through music is something that I will never underestimate.  While I was battling and wishing and sorting laundry through the tears, the words in the quiet background music spoke, no, shouted to my heart.

Here I am
Begging for certainty again
But simple trust
Is what you're asking me to give
If I am saved
You tell me it will not be by sight
So when I pray
I'll close my eyes, I'll close my eyes

I'll reach for your hand in the night
When the shadows swallow the light
'Cause I'm giving up, giving in
Once again a childlike faith
Is my only way
To see in the dark

The question mark
Hung at the end of every fear
Is answered by
The promise that you are with me here
And that's all I've got
When the lights go out and I lose my way
So I'll close my eyes
I won't be afraid, I won't be afraid

As I reach for your hand in the night
When the shadows swallow the light
'Cause I'm giving up, giving in
Once again a childlike faith
Is my only way
To see in the dark

If every star falls and the sun fails to rise
Still in my blindness I'll see
If You are my help, my hope and my vision
One step at a time You will lead
(Jason Gray)

Shadows. . .

Sunshine. . .

What a crazy world we live in, so much joy and so much pain.

Tonight I pray this for my little chubby son, the words written above his bed:

I will lie down in peace and sleep, because You alone O Lord make me dwell in safety.
(Psalm 4:8)

You are the Way, the Truth, the LIFE and the only way to see in the dark.


  1. So glad you have your little Eli, what a blessing. Still pray for you guys.

    1. Thank you Julie! I feel those prayers.

  2. Hayley, do you know that is the verse I have hanging above our little man's crib too? Because ~ whether we are acutely aware of it or not ~ two things that hit home to me before he was born were : 1.} "a lifetime ahead of him" doesn't guarantee tomorrow, and 2.} safety is always & only of the LORD. And my mommy-heart must daily {and night-ly!} choose to rest in Him.
    Thank you for your honest, God-fearing example.

    1. I love that verse! And you are right. . ."a lifetime" is not guaranteed tomorrow. (why i'm thankful for today!)

      Thank you for your kind words!

  3. I am so thankful you blog your heart out, it is such a blessing to be able to walk the journey of your fears and victories. You help me see Jesus more clearly.

    Thanks for thinking of me the other night, I so appreciate your prayers and your kindness. We are doing well with our new normals, trying always to bow in worship to a Will that is not our own.

    Blessings to you, sweet sister.


  4. Oh Mindy. . .you are amazing to me.

    It's hard for me to bow in worship to a will not my own.

    Thankful for people like you to light the way.

  5. I think of you often and the strength you are blessed with. When I heard about Eli, I was so very happy for you. Though memories will always be there, you will smile at the good ones soon. Have faith always!
    Stay blessed!