on investing and our momentary stories

momentary carbon stories. . . life is here now, breathe it all in

I Am Mountain, Michael Gungor

 

 

 

Driving through slush and leftover salt and sand this week I was reminded of my first visit to this little town that is now all wound up in my heart.

 

It was early March, not a particularly beautiful time to visit anywhere in the midwest. I was driving down with my sister and then boyfriend Daniel to see where he was going to be living and working.  We'd both agreed to wait to get engaged until he landed a firefighting job with a real fire department so though I didn't have a ring on my finger I knew I'd be living and working here too. 

 

I was drinking it all in: industrial, slush, grey, foggy haze, frozen river, roads, brick buildings, old, old, very old.  We found an overlook to look at the bridge and the river and I was overjoyed because  I was with him.  The smoggy lil town didn't impress me much at all but I didn't care.  I was in love.

 

Daniel took me and my sister for lunch at the very worst Chinese restaurant any of us had ever eaten at; it closed soon after. He showed us around MFD, so happy to finally be back in his firefighting happy spot after college and half a year of full time paramedicine.

 

I never even thought about the less than ideal conditions. I learned soon enough that it would be hard to choose a less picturesque route than my first impression introduction; but I didn't care.  My rose colored glasses firmly in place, I looked forward to building a life with my boyfriend --> fiance --> husband.

 

Eleven years later we are here and this is home.  We have loved well and laughed and built friendships and discovered parks and said goodbye as others moved, hiked in the woods and boated on the river, splashed in the fountains, said hello (and goodbye) to favorite antique stores,

 

bought a house,

 

bought a crib,

 

bought a car,

 

bought a truck,

 

bought a potty chair,

 

bought a van,

 

bought a cemetery plot,

 

bought another crib,

 

bought a trampoline,

 

bought $20 x 52 x approximately 11 years of Friday night pizza (that equals $11,440) (wow.)

 

bought a bunch of swimming lessons

 

paid a lot of overdue library fines

 

bought a bunch of girls night appetizers

 

bought soccer cleats

 

bought pink soccer cleats

 

bought some golf rounds

 

bought a bunch of beach towels and pool chemicals up the wazoo

 

and it all invests in making a home.

 

When I pour in. . . money or time or resources or love. . . it matters to others, yes, but it impacts me.

 

Investing, pulling out the stops, throwing your hat in the ring to a community and saying I'm in. . . sure, it (hopefully) benefits the community but it benefits you too.  Belonging, loyalty, neighboring, friendships - they happen when you choose the rather risky investment of pouring time into people.   People make up any community, no matter how large or small. People are the best part of our lives: how rich we are because of the relationships that have been built here.

 

I'm thankful I never had the opportunity to overanalyze my small town:  because now it's home and I'm living this brief bit of life that God has given -- my momentary carbon story investing in my little corner of the world.

 

And it's so beautiful, when you choose to see.

In investing, what is comfortable is rarely profitable.

Robert Arnott

 

where you invest your love, you invest your life

Mumford and Sons

 

(christmas) day in the life of a f/f wife

Last year I wrote about inescapable firefighting facts and this year I get to live what I wrote about . . . again.

I thought I was going to be just fine with it until last night all snuggled up next to my man opening gifts with his family and eating great food and knowing it was all going to come to a screeching halt and he would be working and I would be working, too while the rest of the world partied on.

Yep, little self pity tears rolled right down my cheeks.

I pride myself on how strong I am and that I'm independent and I can be by myself and do life for days and weeks on end alone. . .

. . . but. . . at the end of the (christmas) day, I'm still a girl and I still need my husband.

Of course I think men love it when their wives cry to see them go, which is really unfair, but I digress.

4:55am 

Yes, that is the time we packed our littles into our van and drove 63.4 miles to get home so that Daniel could start in on his 24 hour shift at MFD. 

For the entire 63.4 miles, Eli chattered in a high pitched tone about 

"Eli see fire engine! Eli see red fire engine!" 

The promised Christmas tour of the new red fire engine has been seared in his two year old mind since the moment he heard of it and the big day has arrived. 

"Eli see fire ah-partment!" x 27 

"Eli have hiccups!" 

rumble strip "What in the world?!" 

Ah. That 4:15 alarm was just a bit early. 

6:30

Eli is kissing his daddy goodbye and will proceed to bawl his head off watching Daniel drive away. It's a good thing he's not usually up at 6:30 am! 

9:30 

Lil bit of French pressed Starbuck's 

to kick start this: 

my contribution to the MFD Christmas dinner, two apple pies. 

10:00

And my lil peoples are up and at em - we celebrated Christmas as a family last Saturday but it's still Christmas, you know and you gotta eat special food on Christmas! 

11:30

Eli struggles to get into this hilarious dog costume from his grandma. If only it were a size larger. 

12:10 

Pies are done! 

1:45

When I was 18, I skinned a coon  to prove I wasn't a sissy and try and impress this super cute guy who liked to trap. I hated every minute of skinning that coon but hey, what can I say - Daniel doesn't think I'm a sissy anymore. 

People do things they hate to win the hearts of people they love, right? 

So today I took the kids sledding. 

It wasn't nearly as bad as the coon skinning. 

We had a blast.

I think he's giving a thumbs up.

There were a bunch of people on the golf course sledding hill.  Jacob told me:  "I kinda wanted to tell them all that I was about to go see my dad and the red fire engine, so they knew where we were going, but I didn't want to brag."

(Yeah, buddy, I know what you mean, I felt the same way.)

hey world, my hubs is working so your turkey doesn't burn your house down and if you break your leg on the sledding hill your Christmas won't be ruined!

The kids launched into an in depth discussion of which careers needed to stay open on Christmas Day. They have a list of four.

#1 Heating and cooling guys.  Well I suppose just heating.  But you get the idea.

#2 Plumbing.  That's just a necessity of life.

#3 All hospital jobs.

#Definitely firefighting, because, as Cambria put it, "at night you might want to light a candle!"  (And we all know what can happen when people light candles!)
 

3:00

The long awaited trip to see Dad.

Ahh I love him!  It stinks to be apart on holidays!

He's officially cool.

Sheer joy.

Even a little AFV. 

6:30

Tradition when Daniel is working a holiday: junk food out of the freezer case!

7:00

Happy Birthday, Jesus.

 

One of my favorite Christmas songs this year -  the kids and I listened to it on repeat today.  What makes it super cool to us is that the band shot this in my sister Lydia's city. . . it's in a little donut shop and we've eaten there.  So cool!  We even saw the piano.  :)  Yay Varsity Donuts! 

Merry Christmas! 

my real actual life

For a tiny breath this morning I felt like a normal adult.

Coffee + Brennan Manning + a house closing at our bank with Daniel before he went into MFD.

{makeup & skinny jeans & black top & cute scarf. . . you almost feel human.  People don't shout at you.  Life doesn't seem to be an emergency.  Well modulated voices.  Good morning. Just a moment. Would you like a pen to sign with?  No rush, we're just waiting on copies. }

After that meeting the real, actual part of my life commenced.  This pretending I can swim in the business world is really quite an illusion.  What I really do is stuff like this:

Eli throwing the jar holding the frog across the cement porch floor.  It breaks, oh yes, it breaks everywhere. Frog, shell shocked, realizes he's still alive, and finally free, hops off through the glass.

Cambria brings me Time magazine:  "Mom, wouldn't this be awesome?" I look down at Flo, the Progressive girl, surrounded by probably 389 white bunnies.  Yes.  Yes.  Just awesome. 

Jacob and I, desperate, dig his fave athletic shorts out of the laundry hamper.  He reasons: "You know, no one ever gets close to you and actually smells your shorts."  This reasoning is . . .flawed. . . but it will work today. 

JD and I work on painting and cleaning out a storage shed.  I forget that there are calendars up on the inside of the shed from the previous occupants. Fortunately the calendar subjects are (sort of) clothed, but he pops out of the shed, scandalized:  "Mom,  there are awful pictures in here!"  I remove them with him.  Well, here's the deal, it's not respectful to women to put up pictures like this.  Keepin' it simple. He thinks those women shouldn't be dressing like that.  True.  That too.  There are so many things wrong with this, I begin and he interrupts Yes, like girls don't even ride motorcycles! Seriously! Sure.  We'll stop there for now. 

I vacuum new carpet at our current rehab with Eli.  I turn my back to take a picture to email a prospective tenant and suddenly my day spins into a panic of how did you get that cleaner in your mouth?!!!  **gagging **coughing  ** spitting 

what if some awful chemical is eating away at his airway??  how did he even get this??

I definitely heart poison control.  I called Daniel, but it is a rule of thumb for firefighter wives everywhere that if you have a panicky question for your husband, he will definitely be tied up with some other panic. 

Anyway, Cheryl from Poison Control sounded just like a grandma and was just the perfect calm to my lil storm. 

forced bath time for Eli David

Daniel calls me back finally and I find that he was on a fire.  So yeah, definitely legitimate reason he couldn't answer my phone call. . . I process this through the lens of oh, yeah, I forgot I have him to worry about too!! Oh my. . . are YOU okay???

WORRY

I gotta kill it.

JD gets invited swimming with friends. I drop him off and chat a bit. I go home and discover my zipper was down. Yes. That's awesome too. 

Awesome like the way I was in the shower last night with Eli eating his supper on a paper plate next to the tub with all the doors locked and our small group meeting in twenty minutes in our living room.  I've got this.  WE CAN DO.  Except. . . I forgot. . . my sweet friends bringing food. . . early. . . bless their patient hearts.   

The two little kids and I finish vacuuming and painting and I get out the camera to dutifully finish my photo-emailing job.  Battery exhausted.  I scroll back with the bit of juice left.  Apparently while I was painting, Cambria was using the camera to video journal Eli's nap.  Well that explains a lot. 

YOU, my prospective tenant, are going to have to be happy with three pictures tonight because it is Friday and I am clocking out  and ordering pizza. 

Oh, weekend, I love you. . . .


and just for the fun of it I'm popping up some before and afters: 

before                                                                                             after

before                                                                                 after

How unfortunate that the real, acutal  part of life and motherhood doesn't show before and after results.  Sometimes only God sees the seeds we sow.  That's okay.  I love 'em anyway. 


Especially on Friday nights when they're all tucked in bed. 


Happy weekend to you!

wednesday. . .no, thursday?

My events are going to blur together this week. 

Who knows what happened on which day?

definitely not me

However

I think I remember

waayyyy back this morning. . .

taking the kids to butt in on a Ycamp tour of MFD.  I am ashamed to admit that I've never actually watched Daniel do pub ed and today is the very first day I've ever met Freddy. 

Eli loved every minute.  :)

 I gave the kids really strict instructions that today Dad was their teacher and not their dad.

So no stories (I invented this hypothetical illustration)  about say, your bike-

Cambria interrupts:  MOmoom but I fell off my bike this morning and I wanted to tell him!

That, my dear, was exactly my point.

Then there were swimming lessons and lunch and my mother in law came to my house to watch the kids so I could work here:

Who puts carpet in kitchens?  Who puts carpet anywhere?  *hardwood flooring plug*

Oh I can work fast when I'm trying to squeeze the kidless time for all its worth.  I finished painting the kitchen today, wiping cupboards, cleaned the stove, used half a bottle of windex on a small percentage of the windows I need to clean. . .  then moved upstairs to this little gem of a bedroom:

These people must have thought aqua looked restful.

Anyway, we didn't plan on keeping that color so after supper, more paint buying, friends over for lemonade and Aldi's lemon cakes (no picture of that) . . .

I went back tonight and painted until midnight.  Ahh it's not looking so aqua!  It's coming!  The Aqua Oasis is the last room to paint!

I can't even explain how much I love doing this. . . the yuckier the better.  It is soooo fun to make order out of utter chaos and the ugly beautiful.  I think I enjoy it even more because of the stage of life I'm in, where nothing seems finished and it's so rewarding to do something tangible that stays done!

fires we didn't start

could write about how i'm archiving all of the grief posts onto one page

could write about homemade tortillas

could write about . . .all kinds of things that i'm not really thinking about.

there's such a fine line hanging out there once you choose to dump your life out in front of people

choose honesty

choose real

choose the heartbreaking joy of not faking

there's this line that can be crossed.

it's called the oversharing line.

not everyone needs to know that Hayley had a bad day.

it's unnecessary.

it drags people down.

it's the reason I don't update my status with a Motrin mention when I have a headache.

so hopefully I'm not oversharing when I say that sometimes. . . in the middle of a very blessed life

and beautiful children

and an incredible man to love me, I still have really bad days.




sometimes life gets complicated

and decisions have two sides

and truth is grey

and you're not sure if the answers are what you need.

sometimes the fires we have to put out weren't ones that we started.

sometimes



you know. 



so when it was one of those days 

and I heard this song tonight. . . it stopped me in my i'm right this time, he's wrong tracks.

I had to pass it on because I cannot be the only person in the world who has days when fighting for your marriage is hard.

love isn't something you fall into.

it's learned.

we have the very best Teacher.

and we learn to love. . . because He first loved us.





I need the fear of a love that's lost
I need to stop trying to count the cost
I need to fight on the losing side
And always hold true
I will always stay with you

Til we know the pain of a broken heart
We can't walk through the fires we didn't start
Just hold on to the way it is tonight
And learn to love through the darkness and the light
I'm on your side

I had the fortune of a second chance
I know the reason why we all should dance
I've seen the end and all you have to do
Is always hold true
I will always stay with you

Til we know the pain of a broken heart
We won't walk through the fires we didn't start
Just hold on to the way it is tonight
We can learn to love through the darkness and the light
I'm on your side
Always hold true
I will always stay with you

Til we know the broken heart
We can't walk through the fires we didn't start
Just hold on to the way it is tonight
And learn to love through the darkness and the light
Oh, learn to love

{Needtobreathe, Learn to Love, from the album The Reckoning}

(please come home to me)

It's one am and I am sitting curled on my couch with my laptop saying things to myself like

You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee

and

this is it! it's too scary!  do some other job!

and

clicking refresh on the different facebook statuses of my friends whose husbands are also out tonight

fighting fire and

making their wives crazy with worry.


A long, long time ago, I visited Daniel at the FD and they got called out while I was there.  The address was on my way home, so I drove by the fire.  There was a gray haze and the lights flashing made everything look ominous and eerie and even though at that time I was well accustomed to the fire service, I drove home f.r.e.a.k.ing out.  There's something about seeing the stuff your man is walking into and your mind wickedly replaying those awful scenes from Ladder 49 (that I never should have watched). . . and after that night I told myself that I would never do that ever again.


Tonight. . . broke my promise to myself and oh I am getting sorrier by the minute.  We returned our Christmas movies and Cambria begged to see Daddy.  I called him and he said to stop by; we did and he came out to the van to chat with me and the kids.   The alarm went off while we were there and I was like, oh, whatever, it's probably totally nothing and they get to see their cool dad be the engine driver and what kid doesn't dig that.

So we followed,  at a subdued distance, Cambria informing me that when she grew up, her daddy {read: husband} would be a fighterfire and she would live right here in this area.

I started getting a bad feeling when they all just kept going.  So often alarms get cancelled, everyone turns around and goes home, and it's just cool lights and wasted fuel.  I like wasted fuel.

When I saw an orange glow coming out of one of the industrial buildings and the cops blocking the road I regretted my decision to follow.  Lights flashing and gray haze and the weird odor of burning destruction and we turned around and came home.  Stupid me.

And my guy goes in there.  Oh please, be smart, be safe, don't let anyone be in there, just let the building burn, please be okay. . .

I put my babies to bed and hope to hear that everything is okay.  I wait for a response to my texts.  One of our friends is now in the hospital from burns.  I am going c.r.a.z.y.  After two hours, I get a garbled text from Daniel saying that he is ok and it's a  BigveryBad fire.  

Um, I knew that. . . please, please, come home to me.

I think that I'm so thankful I kissed him goodbye and I think that why on earth was he talking about life insurance and I think that I wish he'd get just a little bit hurt so he wouldn't be out there anymore and I'd know that he's okay and then I berate myself for thinking that.  I think that I couldn't be a military wife and I think that I couldn't handle my husband being a cop and I think that he'll be so tired and crabby when he comes home and I eat four magic cookie bars and berate myself for that, too.

This will all be funny in the morning, right?  He will have his big story to tell and I will be limp and groggy with relief and we will make some strong coffee for me and some cappuccino for him and we will just chill out and continue our Christmas vacation.

Please come home to me.

Speaking of Red (and pink). . .

{RED}

[MFD's very own Red Shift]

my favorite is the guy fourth from the left

{RED}

Barbeque Pork Pasta

Whenever it gets warm. . . I start getting hungry for this. . . totally springtime.

1 box penne or rotini, cooked (preferably whole grain)

2 cups barbecued, shredded pork

2 carrots, grated

handful of cilantro, chopped

1 cup shredded cheddar cheese

1 can Ro-Tel

1/2 onion, chopped

1 green pepper, chopped

3 garlic cloves, minced

1 teaspoon cumin

salt and pepper to taste

1/2 cup beef broth

3 tablespoons oil

Saute onion, pepper and garlic in oil.  Add pork, seasonings, and beef broth.  Simmer.  Add the remaining ingredients and serve.

{RED}

(well, they aren't red.  oh well.  the cupcake liners are)

Symphony Brownies

(How have I missed these all of my life?!)

Apparantly Paula Deen is to be credited with this fabulous idea:

2 9 x 13 brownie mixes, mixed according to package directions

3 Symphony Bars with Toffee and Almonds

Pour half of brownie batter in  greased 9 x 13 pan. Place Symphony bars across the batter.  Pour remaining batter over the chocolate bars and bake at 350 for 40 minutes.  Cool or chill before cutting.

There is one left, sitting on top of the refrigerator.

Hopefully it stays there until Daniel gets home tomorrow.

{PINK}

[from Daniel and Cambria]

I love them.

(the roses, too.)

ice rescue class

Can I just say "SUPER SUPER COLD" ?

Eleven degrees!

dress blues

Special weekend. . .

Kids with inlaws, dinner out on the town in a city not my own, cold drizzling rain and snuggling into our hotel room. . . fun fun fun.

Daniel participated once again in Honoring Our Own. . .

Such a beautiful ceremony.

Real bagpipes.

China set at a table honoring those who won't be there.

Stemware ceremonially turned up side down.

Couldn't stop the tears watching my little man's daddy stand guard at a table for those no longer here.

Watched the incredible presentation of the lives of the fallen. . . blown away to see it dedicated to our Gabe.

Lots of Kleenex.

Special.

Precious.

MFD cannot win at softball

I don't want to sound too sappy, but this is just the sweetest and funniest thing to watch.  I love these games. 

I always come away reminded not to take parts of life too seriously.  It's okay to just have fun. 

MFD Open House

I love this picture of the kids watching the controlled burn, which is always the highlight.

In other news, yesterday I learned the proper way to use a fire extinguisher. I'm not gonna lie, it was a little humiliating to be told to pull the pin out of it; you would sorta think after ten years with a firefighter I would know that.

Hey, it's just because we are so fire-safe around here that we've never had to use one.

pizza margherita

Daniel is in the middle of 72 hours right now. . .

No fun to eat pizza by yourself, but something tells me this is pretty girl-y pizza. Not sure a guy would be a fan of fresh mozzarella pearls.

Oh yum. . . so, so good!

handful of Rhodes bread dough

large tomato

fresh basil

fresh mozzarella pearls

fresh ground salt & pepper

Pat dough into circle, layer with sliced tomato, cheese, and spices. Bake for 15 minutes at 385.

The Paramedical

JD carries around a first aid bag with him almost everywhere; I have warned him that the one he's using right now looks like a purse and he may want to choose something more masculine. But, no, it doesn't bother him, and it has plenty of room for all of his band-aids, triple antibiotic, kleenex, and treats.

He carried it into Sunday School the other day and I overheard another little boy say, "Jacob, why are you carrying a bag?"

JD (a little defensive and indignant): "This is not a bag, it is my paramedical!"

FD Delivery

We are headed to see Daddy with these:

Streusel / Oat Rhubarb muffins

2 1/2 cups flour

1 cup rolled oats

1 cup brown sugar

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup milk

splash of vinegar in milk to create "buttermilk"

1 egg

1/2 cup oil

1 t. vanilla

2 cups finely chopped rhubarb

Streusel:

1/4 cup butter

1/3 cup flour

1/3 cup brown sugar

1/3 cup rolled oats

Mix dry ingredients for muffins, add wet ingredients. Spoon into muffin liners. Top with streusel crumbs and bake at 400 for 12 - 15 minutes.

Fun Fire. . . or not.

Last night while I was putting the kids to bed, Daniel came flying up the stairs telling us that there was a house on fire one street over from us.

(And contrary to popular opinion, that doesn't mean that he jumped into his turnouts and raced across the street dragging his SCBA gear behind him- he wasn't on duty.)

We could see all of the flashing lights, the flames, the engines, the streams of water, the guys cutting a hole in the roof with chainsaws; I think we disappointed Daniel with our reactions. Jacob cried. Cambria cried. I got all weepy.

Daniel got frustrated. "What in the world, guys?! This is exciting! This is what I do! And you guys are all just scared!"

It's different for him; he knows the ins and outs and ups and downs of fire. But for us it looks scary, and more scary because he is involved. He talked to the kids and calmed them down and they had a nice little chat about the whole thing.

I like that Daniel is a firefighter. Actually I love that about him. It's cool. I admit it.

The coolness factor fades pretty quick when there is actually a fire.

"We're safe, we're careful, there aren't unnecessary risks," he says. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Yeah, but the bottom line is, however cliche it may sound, that they go in when everybody else runs out.

Which is why fire is never fun for me to watch.

Every emergency needs someone to take charge!

(I asked Daniel to caption this picture of Cambria in the engine ~ I guess she looks like she's taking charge, huh?!)