Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Bittersweet Christmas

I changed our playlist.

The regular cheerful holiday music. . . just not doing anything for my heart these days.

I'm struggling with winter and Christmas.  It's just so not what I expected. 

I woke up yesterday morning - and felt like I got kicked in the stomach when I discovered it was snowing.  why is this so hard for you. . . Daniel asks. . .

I don't know. 

Maybe because his grave seems a little colder.

Because one more season has come and gone without our little man in it.

Because it's cold, and I don't want his resting place to seem cold.

I don't know.

The black hole of the summer has faded. . . and so instead of just letting myself grieve and weep I keep going. . .taking out my frustration and grief and tears on things that don't matter. . .

This is such a long process.

Sometimes I just wish it could be over.

Fast forward button. . . where are you?

I cheer when I find tiny orange japanese lanterns to hang on the tree. . . yay. . .  yay?  I'm happy about hanging stuff on our tree in memory of our son?  It seems so wrong.

I struggled this morning. . . usually I do fun stuff for the kids on the first day of December, channeling my mom and her incredible abilities to make the ordinary special.  {snowman pancakes, anyone?} 

I just couldn't do the special stuff.  It's so sad.  This afternoon we dug out all of the Christmas storybooks and snuggled in our big bed upstairs and read until my voice was hoarse.  I can handle that.

Cleaning out the basement. . . I find the high chair and calmly set it aside.  I can handle this. But it lingers in my thoughts, all day. . .  he would be hilarious sitting in it. . . can just see his three dimples and throwing his spoon on the floor.

I don't know why I feel the need to be brave. . . maybe for my little people. . . for Daniel. . . I want to shield them from more sadness.

This is a journey. . . and it will include lots and lots of bittersweet moments.

Including a bittersweet Christmas.


  1. I wish you strength to be brave for the holidays... Peace to you & yours.

  2. *hugs*
    It seems the holidays are always the hardest.. Praying for you during this season.

  3. It's very very difficult, but sometimes you have to do it - not for yourself but for people who love and care for you as their hearts break to see you like this. Take care. Hugs and love!

  4. I know. My first Christmas with out him was excruciating. I cried during family gift opening. I cried during dinner. I cried alot that year. AND IT WAS OKAY. Would you look me in the eye and say "Wendi, you really shouldn't have cried all those times." No - you would never do that. SO, don't do it to my friend Hayley. :)
    You know what else is happening right now? You are remembering a year ago - and you are about to come up on a whole lot of memories. Really, really good memories that will cut like a double edged sword. When the heart remembers the amazing {euphoric} and it clashes with the horrible, well, your heart will do some strange things.
    So, how's that for my daily dose of happy Christmas cheer.... um, sorry about that.
    You will get through it though. YOU WILL. God is going to give you glimpses of that wonderful peace in the midst of this season. But let yourself feel what you need to feel. It's okay to miss him {alot}.

  5. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Know that you are being lifted up to Your Heavenly Father this Christmas. His grace is sufficient for today. Take it one day at a time. It is going to be all you can do.

    Love you,

  6. I will be honest, I haven't said enough prayers for you lately and reading your blog today made me open my eyes and heart. I haven't been praying enough PERIOD. I will say EXTRA prayers for you this holiday season as you are missing your little Gabe more than ever. HUGS and PRAYERS!
    While I was reading your blog today I caught up on the last couple of posts- You and Daniel do AMAZING things to your rental properties. I can't imagine the work that goes into them but I hope it makes you closer and you get something special out of al of your hard work :)
    I hope you post pictures of your bargin lamps once you get them done. You are so crafty and I love to see your transformations :)

  7. I find a lot of comfort in the fact that God feels sad with us, too. He FEELS it with us.
    My sister's baby, Christine, was due a week from tomorrow. We're sad that instead of eagerly anticipating which day she will be born, she's already born... and gone. It's so good to know that God grieves WITH us. And yet, He has to be smiling at the same time, because He knows and has her and Gabe with Him right now!